Looking for the Silver Lining After the Death of a Child

Recently, several people have made me think about what it really means when we talk about the “silver lining” in relation to the death of a child.

After the death of a child, parents find themselves in the depths of despair and suffocated by overwhelming pain. In desperation, many reach out to find support from others who’ve already been through it. Or they spend countless hours reading articles and stories that show them there is hope. They want to know there is a way out of the worst pain imaginable. But where and how they should start their journey towards healing can become a source of confusion.

At a support group meeting, there was a conversation about our inherent need to assign meaning to a meaningless event. In this case, a mother who lost her teenage son when he was struck by a car. She adamantly said there cannot be any purpose assigned to the loss of a child. Being religious most of her life, she had lost all faith. She was repulsed by the idea that there could be a God who would willingly take the life of a child for some “grand design.”

Another woman was there who lost her son when she was five months pregnant. She had read an article I wrote and said, “I am struggling to find the positive in my son’s death and to grow from this experience. It is still so raw and I’m not sure how to start. I hope that one day I’ll have peace.”

The confusion lies in where we should be looking for purpose and how we define the “positive side” of losing a child.

I think it’s a mistake to look for a “positive side” of a child’s death. The death itself is completely tragic. It’s traumatic, can rip families apart, and causes the worst pain imaginable. If you spend time looking for the positive in that, you’ll be disappointed.

The pain of losing a child lasts forever. How is that positive? What purpose can be found in giving a child life only to have it taken away prematurely? It only serves to underscore the inherent unfairness and randomness of life.

Instead, you can focus your efforts on looking for the positive “silver lining” of what that intense, lasting pain can teach those of us left behind.

You can learn that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. The pain may teach you to focus your energy into cultivating what you’ve discovered matters most to you now. You can stop following society’s preconceived – and often detrimental – ideas of how to achieve success and happiness. Purpose and meaning can be found in how you choose to live your life and best utilize your talents. All while you remain in the permanent shadow of that dark cloud that is your child’s death.

Another way to look at it is to contemplate what a “silver lining” really is. The image that always comes to mind is a dark storm cloud that is seemingly outlined by a bright, shining light. This visual image has been translated to mean that for every bad situation – or dark cloud – there is something positive that can come of it. Such as the calm and light after a storm. But what actually causes the silver lining on a dark cloud?

The “silver lining” is not the cloud itself, but the source of light behind the cloud.

A child’s death is the darkest cloud that is filled with pain and suffering. It initially blocks our view of anything positive or hopeful in our lives. But over time, we may be able to step back into another perspective and catch a glimpse of the source of light we once basked in. The cloud will never go away, but when we are able to remember that there is light – in other words, love – that came first and will always be there, the pain of the cloud does not seem so overwhelming. The cloud of death can give us a deeper appreciation of the light of life and love.

So if you feel stuck or lost, the goal of healing is to not get rid of the dark cloud (your child or loved one died, and nothing can change ever that), but instead to learn to recognize that there will always be light and love that you can find once again as you work through the pain of loss.