It doesn’t seem fair that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler won’t be hosting the Golden Globes next year—or any other year, if they’re to be believed. Still, that’s all the more reason to sit back and enjoy their trademark barrage of good-natured one-liners, punctuated with the occasional hatchet to the face. Ahead, an ongoing list of the best jokes from Tina, Amy, and anyone else who manages to match their zing-flinging prowess.
Tina: “Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was O.K. with.”
Tina: “North Korea referred to The Interview as ‘absolutely intolerable’ and ‘a wanton act of terror.’ Even more amazing, not the worst review the movie got.”
Tina: “Oprah is here. She has put a cranberry candle under all of your seeeeeeeats!”
Amy: “Reese Witherspoon is here. She’s great in the movie Wild, and yes, she did all of her own walking. So great. And Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.”
Amy: “One of those famous Big Eye paintings is on display tonight. Let’s check it out.”
[Camera cuts to Emma Stone.]
Amy: “It’s cute but it’s creepy”
Tina: “Patricia Arquette is here. So wonderful, so, so wonderful in the film Boyhood. Boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40 as long as you get hired when you’re under 40.”
Tina: “It took Steve Carell two hours to prepare for his role in Foxcatcher, including hair and makeup. For comparison, it took me three hours to prepare for my role tonight as human woman.”
Amy: “Jennifer Aniston is here tonight, nominated for the film Cake. And we should explain to all the people in the room, the Hollywood people, cake is like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays.” Tina: “And birthdays are a thing people celebrate when they admit they have aged.”
Amy: “Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film The Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.”
Tina: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human-rights lawyer, who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person U.N. commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime-achievement award.”
Tina: “Who would you rather: Colin Farrell or Colin Firth?”
Amy: “Farrell, all day!”
Tina: “Firth, for a polite amount of time.”
Tina: “Richard Linklater or Alejandro Iñárritu?”
Amy: “I’m gonna say Iñárritu: one take, two hours straight, no stopping.”
Tina: “Linklater, five minutes, once a year.”
Amy: “You know, Tina, I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape. I didn’t want to see myself up there on the screen.”
Amy: “In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.”
Ricky Gervais reminding everyone for the umpteenth time that he got in trouble for making too many mean jokes when he hosted the Golden Globes.
“Going well, isn’t it? Let’s not ruin it. By me saying anything, really. No one wants to see me insult any of you rich, beautiful, overprivileged celebrities. so no ordinary people at home wants to see that because you’re better than ordinary people, because you know it and they know it deep down, so I’m not gonna start picking on things you’ve done, some of it immoral, a lot of it illegal. But if we’ve learned one thing, it’s that famous people are above the law. As it should be. So Ip’m not gonna talk about all the terrible things you’ve done to get here tonight. Streep and Clooney. I’m not even looking at Katie Holmes.”
Margaret Cho pretending to be a disapproving North Korean apparatchik.
“In North Korea we know how to put on a show. This is not a show. You no have thousands of babies paying guitar at the same time.... Also, I think Orange is the New Black should be in Drama category. Is funny but not ha-ha funny.”
Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader doing a bit where they quote “famous” lines from famous movies.
Bill: “Who could forget that famous line from Titanic where the boat’s sinking and Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, ‘Guys guys guy guys GUYS, relaaaaax.’”
Kristen: “And of course there’s The Godfather, you know, how many times have we all quoted that movie? That famous scene where Robert de Niro ... where he’s all angry, he’s like, ‘Hey, uh, who’s in my driveway? I gotta get into the city over here.’”
Lily Tomlin bragging to Jane Fonda that she predicted they would someday make a Netflix series together back when they were making 9 to 5.
Lily: “Don’t you remember that day on the set I picked up an old rotary phone and said one day you and I will do a show on something like this?”
Jane: “Oh you’re right. I thought you were just high that day.”
Lily: “Well, two things can be true.”
Introducing presenters.
Tina: “Our next presenter is a woman who’s known by only one name.” Winfrey!
Amy: “Winfrey!”
Amy: “When the producers tell you you’re running long, there’s only one thing to do: Please welcome Matthew McConaughey!”
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