Toast of London Macbeth — Michael Fassbender in Macbeth and Toast Of London’s Steven Toast. Photograph: The Guardian

Toast of London reviews Michael Fassbender’s Macbeth: 'Utterly, utterly dreadful'

This article is more than 8 years old

Justin Kurzel’s new take on Shakespeare’s finest gets a resounding two thumbs down from veteran actor Steven Toast. Mind you, he only watched the trailer

First of all, I must declare a personal interest here. My agent met one of the producers of this latest big-screen Shakespeare adaptation some years ago (in the Earls Court branch of Oddbins), who intimated that I was very much “in the frame” to star in the title role. I have played the Scottish king on stage literally 100 times, and felt I had successfully immersed myself in the character’s determination and single-mindedness. (I also added a humorous touch and sense of playful mischievousness to Macbeth, which many actors don’t bother with).

Ironically, my finest performance in the part was given to the smallest audience I ever played to. I had been filming an episode of New Tricks in Bournemouth, and had been offered a lift back to London by Dennis Waterman. Alun Armstrong, Amanda Redman and James Bolam were also crammed into Dennis’s Daihatsu.

After listening to an enjoyable first hour of Tony Blackburn’s Pick Of The Pops, where the veteran DJ played the hits of 1967, we all lost interest when the second half featured the forgettable pop of 1992. I suggested that we turn the radio off, and perform The Scottish Play instead. It was an inspired idea. Amanda played Lady M perfectly, with Bolam as a villainous Macduff and Alun a memorable Duncan. (Dennis didn’t take part, saying he needed to focus on driving, but I have my suspicions that he may not have been as familiar with the play as the rest of us!). For whatever reason, I was “on fire” that day, and felt that I had mastered the part.

So imagine my surprise to learn that Michael Fassbender – an actor who, as far as I’m aware, has never gone near Shakespeare with a barge pole – had been handed the leading role instead. I was determined not to let my disappointment colour my impressions of the film and Googled “Macbeth/Fassbender/2015 film trailer” with an open mind. (Sadly I have been unable to find time to see the full film, so my review is based solely on the YouTube trailer).

What did I make of it? There will be accusations of sour grapes, but my honest opinion is that the film is utterly, UTTERLY dreadful.

Toast of London – TV review

Fassbender, woefully miscast, was clearly given only one note by the director: “look serious”. Where was the lightness of touch, the sheer “silliness”’ that makes Macbeth one of Shakespeare’s most memorable comic characters? He fails to get any laughs out of “Macca” at all, and was clearly going through the motions on set. Fassbender, from what I can make out, plays the part as an “Irishman” which, I’m guessing, came about as a result of his inability do accents. Interestingly, I believe Fassbender has a (Northern) Irish agent, which, as any actor will tell you, can be very useful, especially if they are negotiating on your behalf over the telephone, if you know what I mean!

Almost as disappointing as Fassbender is Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth, whose performance is genuinely hopeless. The direction is pedestrian, and the set design reminded me of those old Hovis adverts from the 1970s. The weather is grim throughout, and unlikely to please the Scottish tourist board.

Fassbender and Marion Cottillard at the decidedly surly Macbeths. Photograph: Allstar

I was concerned that such a “bells and whistles” production would eclipse Roman Polanski’s 1971 work of genius, starring the much-missed Jon Finch (a great friend), Martin Shaw (not a friend) and Keith Chegwin (no idea), but it hasn’t. Polanski’s adaptation was famously blood-drenched (the blood was supplied by a local abattoir and consumed 85 per cent of the film’s budget). The 2015 version swaps blood for grime; almost every actor looks as if he’s just climbed out of a chimney. Facial scarring and bruising also feature heavily, and I can see no evidence that the “hair” part of the “hair and makeup” team did much work. Giving everybody a scarred and “scratched” face can hold the audience’s attention for a while, but if the actors aren’t up to “scratch”, then audience will vote with their feet and march out of the cinema.

So, despite a rapturous critical reception, guaranteed Oscar nominations for its stars, producers and director and a general consensus that this is the best ever film adaptation of a Shakespeare play, I found it hugely disappointing. And, remember, I only saw the trailer, where the best bits of the film are put on show to deliberately mislead the audience. I dread to think what the rest of it is like.

Toast of London continues tonight, 10.30pm, Channel 4