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Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.
By Lynda Klau, PhD
Last updated on Mar 05, 2024
There is an art and science to building lasting relationships.
People in healthy relationships know that maintaining your bond and practicing kindness are key elements to keeping love alive. If you know a happy, long-lasting couple, you've probably noticed the dynamic between them. And, without a doubt, there are certain practices they follow that keep them together.
Here are 10 unsexy signs you're in a relationship that can last
1. You've created a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without fear
Couples in lasting relationships create a safe space where they can each be open with one another, never fearing that they will be judged.
In your own relationship, you don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. You fight fairly, meaning you don't name-call or make threats. You apologize when you know you should.
If you're too angry to really listen, you go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and calm down. You know that your partner is not the enemy.
2. You can separate facts from feelings
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts?
You've learned to look inward and ask yourself: "Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now?" But there's another critical question to ask: "Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth?"
Thankfully, with practice and a lot of work on yourself, you've been able to differentiate facts from feelings. And because of this, you see your partner more clearly and are able to resolve conflicts with clarity.
3. You're able to connect with different parts of yourself
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. Knowing this, you're able to ask yourself a few very important questions: What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your "gut" saying?
For example, your mind may be saying, "Leave them," but your heart says, "I really love them." Couples in a relationship that can last let these different voices or parts of themselves co-exist and speak to one another.
For you, in this way, you find an answer that comes from your whole self.
4. You've developed compassion
Compassion and empathy are both extremely important parts of a healthy relationship. That means you practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it.
Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to communicate respectfully with your partner.
Compassion builds trust. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.
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5. You've created a 'we' that can house two 'I's'
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually supportive relationship is being separate, yet connected.
In co-dependent, unhealthy relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or herself, compromising the relationship as a whole. But when you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to creating a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
One of the most glaring signs you're in a relationship that can last is having an identity separate from your relationship, but, at the same time, being able to bring all those great parts of yourself into the relationship to create a whole partnership.
6. You can heal yourself, rather than relying on your partner
You can't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, so don't try to fill theirs. A healthy relationship means you're able to work on yourself without having to count on your partner to fulfill you.
Ultimately, we can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can support the journey as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.
7. You relish the differences between you
The differences between you and your partner are not negative; rather, differences are something you should absolutely embrace. It's what makes us unique, after all.
You don't need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. That would just be boring, right?
We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of passion. So consider it an excellent sign you're in a relationship that can last when you welcome differences.
8. You ask questions
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partner's behavior means. For example, one partner may think, "They don't want to cuddle; they must not really love me anymore." But we all know what happens when we assume.
We can never err on the side of asking too many questions and then listening to the answers from our whole self — heart, gut, mind, and body. It's essential to ask our partner questions, diving deep into what they are feeling inside.
Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feelings that you sense might be unspoken. Rather than assuming, you ask your partner questions that helps them open up to you.
9. You make time for your relationship
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Staying in love and maintaining a good relationship takes work every single day.
You make it a point to carve out time for your relationship. You schedule time for the well-being of your relationship and partner. That includes going on dates and taking downtime together. You create a space together by shutting off all things technological and digital.
Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow. And because you have a lasting relationship, you're taking all the right steps.
Photo: cottonbro studio / Pexels
10. You say the 'hard things' from a place of love
Relationships will certainly deal with hard truths from time to time. And yours is no exception.
You've become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. You're able to think about how it makes you feel, and how it will make your partner feel as a result.
No matter what you're feeling in a situation, you channel the energy of your emotions so you say what you need to say in a constructive manner. You never judge or put your partner down. Everything you say comes from love.
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Dr. Lynda Klau is a psychologist, coach, motivational speaker and educator with more than two decades of training and hands-on experience. She's the founder and director of Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility.