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September 2013
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When we picture feeding schedules, helping someone get dressed, changing diapers, giving baths, most of us picture a baby or small child. People tend to accept that caring for children will be expected at times during our lives. But many of us find ourselves in positions that for some reason we didn't put as much thought into; the position of caring for elderly or terminally ill adults that have many of the same needs as a small child.
We don't want to face the realization that we too may need to be cared for again later in life, so we don't talk about, or even think about, the care that our parents, grandparents, or even spouses will need as they age. And we definitely don't want to picture the humiliation we would feel if we too had to wear diapers and have our own children or family members change them.
It's a complicated situation, but a situation that so many of us will face. And yes, there are professionals who are so amazing as to choose to be caregivers throughout their lives, but I believe that we all are called to be caregivers to our family and close friends as well. We may be in denial that we are aging, but when we are the ones who are elderly and need care, we will sure hope that we are surrounded by loved ones who will take the time to be caregivers to us.
Chuck DeKlyen
Executive Director
webmaster@griefwatch.com
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by Pat Schwiebert, R.N.
Last July,2012 in the article It’s Never Too Late I wrote about wondering what it would be like when my mother died. We had a complicated relationship and bringing her into our living community of 8 other people hasn’t been easy. I never experienced that uncomplicated relationship with her till the last week of her life, which ended on August 28, 2013. This has not been easy to write. The words fall short of the true experience. My head is full of her. I feel much like a battered wife wanting her abuser back, believing that the next time will be different. I know there are no more chances. The letter that follows is just a beginning of the grief work that lies ahead for me.
Dear Mom,
You’ve been dead 10 days now. I know how much you enjoyed receiving letters in life so I decided I’d write one last time. I was never faithful when it came to writing to you as you requested. My defiant nature probably had something to do with it, and partly it was because you made written correspondence a measure of whether a relationship was worthy of your time. I guess I was always pushing back against your relentless expectations. After you died and I called the people on your list of those to notify many said you stopped writing to them because they didn’t write back. You said you didn’t even want Bob, your only son, to travel 90 miles to say goodbye to you because he didn’t write letters to you. He came anyway and you were glad. Read More...
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Books for Caregivers
Giving Care Taking Care
- For the professional and lay caregivers who give of themselves to others in need, but must be reminded to make time to "fill their own wells." A practical guide with advice from people who have "been there." For professionals such as: nurses, mental health professionals, clergy, funeral directors, physicians, hospice workers, disaster relief workers and for family members who care for chronically ill loved ones. Shop Here...
One You Love is Dying - This book offers sensitive, direct advice to family members and lay caregivers. Chapter titles include: "You cannot do everything yourself." "The dying person will be as they have always been, only more so." Shop Here...
The Caregiver's Path to Compassionate Decision Making - offers tools and techniques that will limit your frustration and fears and help you make informed, respectful decisions. Extremely practical, yet also heartfelt.
Shop Here...
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At the end of life, let Grandma eat what she wants (with some caveats)
By Mary Bartlett, Printed in the Oregonian
After a bad fall, my 92-year old mother, Lois Bartlett, was convalescing at a hospital in her hometown, Tulsa, Okla. Despite her many ailments, she is sharp mentally and interested in getting better. It's her appetite that's gone.
A slim and tall woman, she has always eaten just about everything enthusiastically and, until now, has done her own cooking and shopping.
"The food is awful here!" she wailed. I had to agree that the overdone purées and tough slabs of meat were nearly inedible.
A few days later, my mother said she had a solution. "Christina is bringing me food." Christina Minielly has known my mother for over 30 years and, most recently, has been a caregiver and lunch provider.
I asked what her friend was bringing, imagining some nutritious soup or perhaps some vegetables or fish.
"Sandwiches and potato chips," she said. "And usually there's enough for my dinner too." Read More...
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Two beautiful handcrafted ceramic hearts in one. When separated, the tiny inner heart can be placed with the loved one who has died as a reminder of their unbroken connection to those who remain behind. They can also be tied together to form a necklace of love around the loved one. The outer heart is kept by the bereaved and can be worn on a necklace, acknowledging their grief. Shop Here...
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by John Schwiebert, ThM
After the death of my Mother-in-law last month, as friends offered their condolences, I recalled the similar gestures from friends and acquaintances following the death of my own mother more than a decade ago. I noticed a recurring theme in both situations. Many folks assumed that they understood what and how I was feeling about my loss.
Some said as much: “I know just how you feel, because my mother passed away two years ago, and it took me a long time to get over it.” Some only speculated: “O, you must be devastated,” or “Yours must be a more difficult than normal loss because she lived with you in your home for her last four years.” (In fact Pat and I shared the last four years with both my mother, in the 1990’s, and Pat’s mother, before she died last month!)
A part of me wanted to say, in response to such statements, “No, you really have no idea what I am feeling about this loss. You may know about the grief you have experienced in a situation that you presume is similar, but don’t assume that what you felt then is what I feel now.” Read More...
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Books for kids (of all ages)
Just One Day - A heartwarming story about the desire to give the gift we cannot give -- to take away pain and illness from those we love. This is a gift book that the recipient will never forget. Shop Here...
How Can I Help, Papa? - An endearing children’s story about a nine year-old girl and her terminally-ill grandfather. It was written to meet the emotional and educational needs of children with a terminally-ill loved one in their lives. Children need to know that feelings are okay, even the uncomfortable ones. Shop Here...
Love You Forever - "I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be." This book is about unconditional love and growing older. In the end, the grown son holds his dying mother and sings the song to her. Shop Here...
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Quote of the Month
The elderly are all someone's flesh and blood and we cannot just shut them in a cupboard and hand over the responsibility for taking care of them to the state. Simon Callow
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Mission Statement
MISSION: The Grief Watch mission is to offer spiritual, emotional and other support to persons who are grieving and the professional caregivers who assist them. Grief Watch is a non-profit 501(C)3 organization. For more information about us please visit our info page.
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