Making Sense of Faith
and Grief
William G. Hoy
One of the downfalls of many current theories of the grief process is that they fail to account for the important role faith plays in the lives of bereaved people. One might even question if bereavement theories should address spiritual issues. To support the question of applicability, ongoing research by the Barna Group shows approximately one-third of the American population is not connected to any religious group and has not attended a religious service in at least six months, a percentage largely unchanged since the early 1990’s (www.barna.org).
Despite this large number of unaffiliated people, spiritual issues are extremely significant among bereaved people, even when they do not have a connection to a religious congregation. Regardless of whether one provides counseling and support from a faith-based group or from a secular one, we must help clients explore their religious beliefs related to their loss or we fail to deliver on an important part of our therapeutic responsibility. Because bereavement is an experience encompassing all of a person’s being, bereavement counseling, like all supportive counseling, should seek to be holistic, addressing the emotional, cognitive, physical, social,
and spiritual dimensions of the person being helped.
This is a “touchy†issue for many in the helping professions. Some readers undoubtedly believe they are legally prohibited from raising faith issues with clients while others simply feel ill-equipped to do so. Just as a chaplain should not attempt cardiac surgery because she does not have the training, many nurses, social workers, and other professionals are hesitant to address spiritual issues since such concepts are outside of their professional expertise. Even though not a specialist in theological discourse, however, other professional and volunteer caregivers can
explore spiritual issues with bereaved clients.
Explore the use of ritual and observance. In learning client history through the initial interview and in ongoing sessions, one of my goals is to understand the role ritual plays in the bereaved person’s life—before the death, during the funeral period, and in an ongoing way. I ask the client to “Describe the funeral or memorial service to me.†Questions like, “What was most significant to you about the funeral or memorial service?†and “What would you change?†help me to better understand the role ritual played in the early days after the death.
While religious labels provide a starting point for dialogue, they tell us little. When a client says, “I am a Lutheran†or “My family is Muslim,†we have learned almost nothing about their own personal faith journey. That is one reason when a client says, “Oh, we had your typical Catholic funeral. . .†I ask him to become my teacher. “Tell me more about that†or “What was most different from other Catholic funerals you’ve attended?†often provide great opportunity to explore the role of faith in the client’s life today.
Because of my theological training and experience, I probably understand the religious meanings of ritual more fully than most of my clients, but the power is in her telling the story, not in me helping her understand. The most important role counseling professionals and volunteers offer in this regard is one of supportive listening; let the client tell the story of how spiritual rituals are important.
Explore susceptibility to religious clichés. Religious cliché’s come in many forms but they all seek to minimize the bereaved person’s experience. “At least she’s with the Lord, now,†and “We just have to accept these things as God’s will†are usually more antagonizing to the bereaved than comforting. Well-meaning friends sometimes super-impose their own meanings in the face of senseless tragedy. Parents of a teenage car crash victim received a note from a friend saying, “Rob is now your guardian angel. I know he is smiling down and watching over all of you. He wouldn’t want you to be sad so keep your chin up.†Unfortunately, I have had clients quote words shared by religious leaders that depreciate the value of grief and attempt to replace the deep pain of loss with the promises of faith.
The experiences of faith and grief are not mutually exclusive, but some members of faith communities I have met seem to think they are. While it is not necessary to engage in debate about what a particular religious group teaches or to attempt to correct what might be thought to be unfortunate teachings, we must maintain respect for the beliefs of a faith community. That is why the questions I tend to ask of clients in this situation are “Do you think all churches (of your denomination) believe that?†and “Are there any dissenters in your faith community? What do they think about this issue?â€
Affirm the role of community.
Every community of which a person is a part has social rules and expectations. Sociologists call these “norms,†and being part of a community means subscribing to its norms. Most religious communities vest some power in authority figures—the Bible, a member of the clergy, a mentor, or other “leader.†Being part of the community means paying attention to what that person or authority says.
Of course, some are quick to be critical of this role in highly-authoritative religious communities, even though all of us who have spent much time in academia or business know that you must subscribe to the “community rules†and pay attention to the “authority figures†or risk getting thrown out of these communities! Being part of the Roman Catholic community of faith means, in part, paying attention and heeding the instruction of church hierarchy. Being a member of a fundamentalist church means one subscribes to the tenets of the faith and that there are some behaviors and beliefs that are simply “out of bounds.â€
If this sounds too harsh, just remember social conventions exist in every group. While one may not be required to subscribe to every rule, some are absolute requirements and the social group has the unilateral right to determine which rules are not negotiable. In American society, we allow people to “marginally†break the social rule of freeway speed limits (don’t you know how much you can exceed the limit without getting stopped?) However, we do not allow people to rape, murder, and rob-- and we quickly remove them from society when apprehended.
Bereaved people sometimes misunderstand religious leaders. If a particular belief is troubling to a client, encourage dialogue with the appropriate religious leader. With written client permission, you can make contact with the clergy person to try to better understand what the faith community teaches and how that might impact the counseling you are providing to the client. In making contact with a religious leader whose background is different from your own, ask if there are books or articles that would be helpful to read or websites that provide useful information. Steven Covey’s (1992) fifth habit in his
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.â€
Explore beliefs about suffering and the nature of God. One of my favorite assessment questions is, “How has your faith or belief system been challenged and/or reaffirmed by this experience?†As stated earlier, religious labels do not always provide sound guidance about a person’s spiritual pilgrimage. Even people who generally subscribe to a particular faith system may have very personal ideas about the role of suffering in the world and God’s ability or willingness to intervene.
As with other issues, the therapeutic goal is not to engage in debate with the client about whether his ideas are rational or not or even if they are in keeping with what you know to be true about the religious community of which he says he is a part. Our goal must be simply to allow the client to express his beliefs, questions, misgivings, and affirmations in the presence of a supportive person. Asking follow up questions like, “What are the factors that led you to conclude that?†and “How have your beliefs about that changed in recent months or years?†can provide important clues to how these beliefs impact his experience with bereavement.
Explore personal spiritual disciplines that provide sustenance. Most people of faith have embraced one or more personal spiritual practices that they observe in order to help them live their faith day-by-day. Some of the more popular spiritual disciplines are worship, prayer, meditation, scripture reading, and journal-keeping. In addressing spiritual issues with bereaved people, our goal is to help them articulate which of these private spiritual practices sustain them in their experience with loss.
As we assess, we are wise to listen for clues to these practices when we ask questions like, “What are you finding helps you cope?†or “What are the things you do that help you get through this?†In our society, many people will say they pray or attend worship. Lay and professional counselors alike can ask clarifying questions to help discover how these practices are helpful. Questions like, “When do you find that most helpful?†and “What do you experience when you (pray/read the Bible/meditate) that makes you want to do it again?†When a client says she feels better when she reads the Bible, I want to know, “What parts do you find most helpful?â€
While some counselors will be reticent to try, we can also prescribe faith practices as long as they are in keeping with what the client indicates are her faith preferences. My solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral training is showing here, but part of our role is helping clients identify and do more of what works and less of what does not.
As you provide support to people in bereavement, do not fear addressing the spiritual dimensions of the client’s loss. Just as we do not hesitate to explore the way bereavement is affecting the client’s physical well-being, we must not shrink from addressing the spiritual aspects of life, either. Asking questions, participating in dialogue, and affirming the practices that sustain the client in her grief are the best places to begin.
References:
Covey, S.R. (1992).
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Author:
William G. (Bill) Hoy is an educator, counselor and author who has specialized in end-of-life and bereavement care for more than 25 years. Dr. Hoy’s passion is equipping the next generation of physicians and other healthcare professionals through his research, writing and teaching responsibilities on the Medical Humanities at Baylor University. His newest book is
Do Funerals Matter? The Purposes and Practices of Death Rituals in Global Perspective (Routledge, 2013).
