When their beloved family dog, Lucy, died suddenly in February, Portland writer Lisa Cohn was devastated - but she still had to comfort her young children.
At the time, her daughter, Ally Cohn Merkel, was 14, and her youngest son, Michael, was only four.
It’s hard enough for adults to cope with the loss of a pet. But explaining it to an inquisitive child who has never experienced death is another story.
"The death of a pet is such a wonderful opportunity for parents to give their children a chance to lay some healthy groundwork for future losses," says Enid Traisman, a certified grief counselor and director of the Pet Loss Support Program at DoveLewis.
A pet is often a child’s first loss in life, she points out. If this experience is handled well, it can set a positive precedent for how your child manages future losses.
Lucy as a puppy
What to say
Children grasp the concept of death differently depending on their developmental stage.
“The younger the child,” Traisman says, “the more simple the explanation can be.”
Yet no matter how young your child is, you shouldn’t use a euphemism to explain why Fluffy or Fido is no longer there. This can only further confuse your child and could be damaging in the long run.
Children take things literally, so saying your dog “went to sleep” may result in a child who’s afraid to go to bed at night, Traisman points out.
A story such as “Spot went to live on a farm,” could spark concern that the parents will give the child away, too.
"With kids we really recommend being clear with them about what happened," says Jana DeCristofaro, coordinator of children's grief services at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families. "Use language that's concrete; that they can understand."
Don’t shy away from using the word “death.”
Tell them the truth in simple terms your child can understand: the dog died, which means his body stopped working, and he can no longer take naps or walks.
“Keep it simple, but parents have the opportunity to share as much or as little of their own personal beliefs,” Traisman says. “For people who believe in God and heaven, it’s an opportunity to let children know that, if they believe that, their pet has gone back to heaven.”
Keep in mind that everyone grieves differently.
“Teenagers can be pretty private about their grief, and they may turn less to adults and more to their peers,” DeCristofaro says.
When Lucy died, Cohn's teenage daughter Ally was involved in a Northwest Children's Theater production, which left her little time to grieve.
Ally was quieter about her emotions at home, but she actively participated in family projects, such as making collages and planning a party in Lucy’s honor.
She also strongly encouraged Cohn to proceed with "Bash and Lucy Fetch Confidence," a children's book that Cohn and Michael wrote as a way to channel their grief.
Adults who are busy helping their children cope are also likely struggling with their own grief.
Talking about your sadness models healthy ways to cope and could prompt your child to share his or her feelings.
“You can support the children by inviting them to join you in what you’re going through,” Traisman notes.
Saying goodbye
Giving your children a chance to say goodbye can help them cope with their loss and facilitate healing.
You can ask them for ideas about how to memorialize your pet.
“That can take a lot of pressure off of adults,” DeCristofaro says. Plus, “when you let them have some say in what works for them, then they start to get to know themselves as well.”
Cohn and her family made collages and made mementos from a lock of Lucy's fur and her pawprints. Throughout the process, Michael asked lots of questions and gave Cohn the opportunity to help him cope.
“I think the creativity part was really, really important,” Cohn says. “I think it made us all feel better. It’s just kind of immersing yourself in your dog and your feelings about your dog.”
They also planned a “remembering Lucy” party, which they found to be very healing.
When to get a new pet
Michael Cohn and the family's new puppy, Hudson.
Another source of angst is addressing when to get a new pet. Since everyone’s timeline is so different, it just depends on when you and your family feel ready.
You can use this as another opportunity to talk with your children and invite them into the process, DeCristofaro suggests.
Ask your kids about what they think a new pet would be like, and recognize that every pet is different; the new animal won’t replace your previous pet.
For Cohn and her family, the process of getting a new puppy provided enormous comfort.
“We could not stand the emptiness of a house without a dog,” she says.
About six weeks after Lucy’s death, they brought home a new puppy named Hudson.
“Every night Michael and I say goodnight to Lucy. He’ll remind me if I forget,” Cohn says. “Getting the puppy was a distraction, but it did not make us forget about Lucy.”
Thanks to the collages and keepsakes they made of Lucy – and their new book – it’s unlikely they ever will.
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Memorial art workshop: Make a memorial candle or cremated remains glass keepsake in honor of your pet, 3-4:30 p.m. on Sunday at DoveLewis, 1945 N.W. Pettygrove St., Portland. More info.: dovelewis.org.
Service of Remembrance: Dignified Pet Services and the DoveLewis Pet Loss Support Program will present a service honoring companion animals that have passed. Doors open at 6 p.m., service begins at 7 p.m. on Monday at The Old Church, 1422 S.W. 11th Ave. in Portland. Free; service animals are permitted. Details: dovelewis.org.
Tips for helping a child to cope:
Sources: Jana DeCristofaro and Enid Traisman
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