If you haven’t heard about Sheryl Sandberg and Ban Bossy – a new awareness campaign insisting that the word “bossy” can stop young girls from pursuing leadership roles – you haven’t been on the internet much this week. There’s the Facebook page. The hashtag. There’s Beyoncé.
And then there’s the commentariat, deeming the Facebook CEO and Lean In author’s campaign ridiculous, misguided, wonderful and everything in between. Our own columnists think Ban Bossy is either just the beginning or not shooting high enough.
Journalists, bloggers and pundits continue to argue in public, but we noticed that many of them don’t ... have kids.
So, we asked mothers to tell us how they feel when their daughters get called “bossy” – and whether or not they agree that the word should be banned. We sourced from the women-in-tech listserv The Li.st, but then we realized dads should be in on the conversation, too. So we asked parents on Facebook and Twitter about their feelings about the word. Whether the response was 140 characters or 100 words, each parent provided new insights to the debate – from “bossy” boys to the benefits of calling your kid “bossy” ... and why parental utopia isn’t always the answer.
From women of The Li.St:
Maria Seidman, 36, is the CEO and co-founder of Yapp. She lives in New York and has a daughter and a son.
I have a daughter who is 18 months old. She has an older brother who is six. He is a big, smart kid, and he is bossy. In his school applications, we dubbed this “leadership potential”. Tying the word to gender does not resonant with me one bit. I call my son out as being bossy all the time – “Don’t boss your sister around” – and I am sure I will equally do so with my daughter if she exhibits the same trait.
I am often in my son’s kindergarten classroom or lunchroom, and the word is used equally, to describe boys and girls. If one day my daughter is called “bossy”, I’d feel the same way I do as when I hear it about my son - wondering how best to teach her to inspire and enlist people rather than boss them around.
Naama Bloom, 41, is the CEO of Hello Flo. She lives in Brooklyn and has a daughter and a son.
The only time I can remember hearing the word “bossy” used to describe my daughter was when I used it last fall. My family was in the backyard and my daughter was being very aggressive toward my son. I told her she needed to stop being so bossy and learn to listen to what he wanted too. He’s younger, so he’s easy to over power. My husband, who had read Lean In right after I did, looked at me, mouth agape. He couldn’t believe I called our daughter “bossy”.
I’m torn about the use of the word. I think there’s a real difference between being bossy and being a leader. In my experience, the people who I’ve admired were leaders, not bosses. They were empathetic and listened to the people they were leading. That’s what I want my daughter and son to do, and that’s why I’m still OK with telling them not to be bossy. I understand that there is a lot of nuance associated with the word, which is why when I use a word like “bossy” with my children, I take the time to discuss the positive attributes I want them to demonstrate. I know I can’t assume the rest of the world is doing the same. Which is a long way of saying, I’m just not sure how I feel about #BanBossy.
From parents on Twitter and Facebook:
Natascha Hainsworth, 30, lives in Canada and runs a theatre company. She has a daughter.
I guess the gist of my point is that my daughter - who is just shy of three - can be bossy.
I’m a 30-year-old woman who is blessed enough to run a mid-sized, independent theatre company in Canada with my business partner. I’m getting divorced, own my own home, take care of my own finances, have a good job, etc. etc. I think I’m a strong, independent woman. I think that I encourage my daughter to be the same. She can choose what she wants to wear and eat even at her young age. I want her to have her own opinion and be her own person.
But sometimes she is bossy. What do I mean by that? She demands and does not ask. She gives orders instead of participating in the conversation - and I have flat out-looked at my daughter and said “don’t be bossy”. I’m not trying to take away her opinions, or stifle her in any way, but like every other person on the planet (no matter their sex), she needs to learn to be polite. And teaching her how to be articulate – and express herself in an appropriate way – will only help her be a successful, independent woman when she grows up. People will respect her opinions and not deem her as “bossy” since she will be able to communicate what she thinks while respecting others.
Many women I’ve encountered in business think they need to have a hard exterior in order to be effective. They are “bossy”. I disagree with this approach. Woman are different than men, and feminism should be about embracing it and succeeding. Not trying to be like men. My mother tells me that “they” are thinking about banning the word bossy. I rolled my eyes. Bossy isn’t associated with any negative aspects of feminism unless you let it be. I will continue to tell my daughter when she is being bossy in hopes that she learns how to be assertive while also being respectful to others.
From Brandon-Regina Payne-Hilton:
Banning a word like bossy isn’t the answer. For some reason, as society progresses, we are failing our kids by not teaching them how to deal with adversity. As parents, part of our job is to help prepare our children for when they embark on their journey without us. If we try to simply remove struggle from their lives, and shelter them from what this world – positive or negative – might have in store for them, it is a disservice to our children.
Are we not supposed to help our kids understand emotions, obstacles, solutions and problem-solving – amongst other things – to the best of our abilities? This is not a perfect world – by far – and utopia is but a dream. I am not saying we should crush all things that are positive, but learning to deal with some of the negative is a necessary component somewhere.
The full discussion (with a few more dads) on Twitter:
Parents, what do you think of the ‘other’ b-word? Tell us in the comments below.