I've been with my boyfriend for a total of three and a half years. He graduated two years ago, but I still feel like his sloppy college days are hanging around. His apartment is constantly trashed, his weight fluctuates due to poor diet/no working out, and his weekends are a whiskey-coke haze. I love him, but his unhealthy lifestyle is starting to take a huge toll on me physically and emotionally. I can't keep up with his partying ways, and when I ask him to spend the weekend away from the bar or even clean up his room on a weeknight, he responds by telling me he's never tried to make me change. I'm in a graduate program and have enough on my plate, but how do I manage a boyfriend who refuses to leave college behind and take care of himself?
It sounds like the two of you started dating in college. There are those of us who change more in those years than at any other time in our lives. And then there are those who don't change much at all. You and your boyfriend started out in similar places and have since been growing up and apart in different ways — and that's not, in any way, unusual. But that doesn't make it any easier to figure out what to do now.
Your boyfriend says he has never asked you to change — and that's also not surprising. After all, why would he want you to change when you have seemingly endured and enabled his sloppy party-boy ways for years? "I've never asked you to change" is such a lame line, and it's usually a dodge offered by someone who wants to avoid his real problems. You're not the twentysomething one living like a drunken frat-boy. Why should you change?
Basically, you have three options: (1) Clearly explain why you would like to see him grow up a little and hope for the best. (2) Demand that your boyfriend change or else. (3) Dump him and find someone who's less of a man-child and more compatible with the woman you've become.
It's certainly not unreasonable for you to explain why you're unhappy and ask him to change, but it might be unrealistic to expect that to work. I think you've probably tried option one already. And personally, I've seen so many relationships limp forward in that in-between stage, when one person knows it's not working but keeps giving it another chance, and then another.
So, I know this will sound harsh, but based on my personal experience and lots of close-up observation of friends' failed relationships, I'd go for options two or three. You could give him a wake-up call ultimatum in the hopes that it will rattle him out of his trash-infested, whiskey-soaked stupor, or you could just dump him and move on.
Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship, grown apart from someone he or she has loved, and seen it end will likely recognize the familiar contours of your story. There's a chance you can spur this guy into action. But there's also nothing wrong with outgrowing a lover.
I hurt my boyfriend's pride in bed (by saying I wish he'd lasted longer). Now he hasn't been able to finish in bed at all. He insists it isn't my fault, but I feel really guilty. How can I boost his self-confidence again?
Bruised egos aren't so different from regular bruises: They just take a bit of time to heal, and there's not a whole lot you can do about it.
It sounds like your criticism just threw your boyfriend for a loop, and now he can't quite get out of his head while he's in bed. He's overthinking it. The best thing you can do is to enjoy yourself and proceed as normal, like nothing ever happened. It never hurts to spoil him a bit more in all his favorite ways. But the more you continue to draw attention to the problem by trying new things — or faking your pleasure to boost his ego — the more self-aware he'll become, and the whole point is to get him to relax again. Don't apologize or check in on his feelings all the time. Don't make a big deal over trying to help him finish. And maybe hold off on proposing anything new in the bedroom for a while.
Just give it some time. Bruised egos heal; his self-consciousness will fade. Pretty soon, I bet, he'll bounce right back.
I've been in a marriage for nine years and in the relationship for 10. I have two kids from a previous marriage, a stepdaughter I'm raising, and we have a son together. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and he works in construction out of state. He stays with his mom and only comes home on the weekends. I have been feeling overwhelmed about this situation for quite a while and sat down and spoken to him numerous times. This has been going on for three years, and he hasn't made an attempt to look for work closer to home nor move us close to where he works. Our relationship has no excitement and is always the same. We only go out shopping, no dates, and sex has gotten to a point that I'm just not feeling it anymore. Recently I noticed he deletes his phone, tablet, and laptop history. I used to text him, and he would always answer me back. Now he says, "I didn't get your text." My oldest son, who's 17, says, "Mom, I think we need to be on our own." What should I do? I am lost at this point.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a tough spot. I can tell that you're struggling to balance some weighty responsibilities — to the four children, your husband, and yourself. And it sounds like you've made all sorts of tough, mature compromises to ensure some stability. You've put up with three years of a marriage in which you see your husband only on the weekends. You're struggling to hold your family together, but it seems like you've hit a limit.
Given the details in your question, I'm tempted to jump to the conclusion that your husband is having an affair and electing to spend time away from you and your family. But I honestly don't know enough to judge. It certainly sounds like you are both under pressure to make it through each week. To be sure, your husband is working hard and making sacrifices himself: He's staying with his mother to work a job that likely supports the family. He's commuting long distances and spending time away from your family. But it also sounds like you're losing trust, and for good reasons. Deleting those histories could mean very little (porn) or a lot (an affair). I don't know. But I do know that he seems to be accepting the status quo of living with his family on weekends.
On that point, I first want to make sure that you're taking responsibility for what you can control. When you say, "He hasn't made an attempt to look for work closer to home nor move us close to where he works," you are placing the onus on your husband. Are there proactive things you could do to help make a move happen? (Sell a house? Find a new one? Suggest that you all get a place together with his mother?) I hope you're thinking of the life you want to build and what you can do to make it happen.
No matter what, three years is a lot of time for a couple to live mostly apart. When your son tells you, "We need to be on our own," it's doubly sad, because it sounds like you have been on your own, five days a week. Now your husband isn't responsive when you explain your feelings and he may be hiding something from you. In other words, it does sound like you have some good reasons to consider starting over on your own.
If you want to stay together. I do think you should continue to confront him about your worries. Tell him why it's important that you live together. Ask him, explicitly, what the two of you can do to make that happen. Offer to help make it work. And tell him that you're losing your trust in him — that you need to know if he's having an affair. This all will likely trigger a fight. Sometimes fights are necessary. He needs to understand how seriously unhappy you are. Both of you need to air this all out and really talk about what's happening. Otherwise, you're choosing the status quo.
If you decide that you should dissolve the marriage, I'm sure you understand that you'll need to plan carefully and create a solid support network. You'll need friends or family who can help you think this through and a divorce attorney who can help you protect the best interests of your children, materially and otherwise. As a stay-at-home mother, you have sacrificed to care for your kids. And you'll have to make sure that you do all that you can to create some new stability for them and yourself.
For now, I suppose, it comes down to that elemental question: Do you still love this man? And if so, do you love him enough to work very hard through what is surely going to be a tough period ahead to change the relationship? Or would you rather rebuild on your own?
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
