Once upon a time, there was a land with no snow, or maybe too much snow, I'm not sure. The King and Queen had two daughters — one was blonde and "prettier," while the other was chestnut-haired, sassier, and more "awkward." They both have braids. The blonde one is the one who will be the queen someday, and the other sister has mixed feelings about that because she really likes her #freedom but also kind of feels like the ugly duckling. They grow up together with that tense dynamic and continue to have braids.
Idina Menzel sings a song loudly.
Something happens where the blonde one gets kidnapped (Or maybe she runs away?) and taken into a world of ice. (Maybe.) (Or she makes the world of ice because that's the story of the Snow Queen, which Frozen is loosely based on? And then loses control of her power?) The awkward one has to go save her, and, on this journey, realizes her own strength/worth/equally sumptuous and Pinterest-worthy braid.
Along the way, the awkward one meets a snowman that is the comic-relief of the movie, voiced by some very mainstream male comedian. She also meets a handsome guy her age but they start out on the wrong foot somehow and hate each other initially. Eventually they start liking each other, though.
The blonde-haired one probably has a love interest too, but I have less of a clear vision of who that would be. Maybe some really stilted prince from some other town that she was betrothed to and didn't really like either at first? And he grows on her? I don't know. Regardless, she feels #trapped.
The awkward one with the dark braid saves the pretty one with the blonde braid. They repair their relationship.
Oh, actually — maybe the talking snowman is actually a prince, who has been put under a curse to be a snowman until Something Happens. And then whatever needs to happen happens and he turns back into a man and the blonde braided girl falls in love with him.
The lesson of Frozen is that the grass is always greener on the other side. (It's too snowy for grass, but you get the idea.) Also: Love yourself. Also: Make sure your jacket has proper insulation against the elements.
And they all lived happily ever after.
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