1. You notice how close or far your going-out clothes are to stripper outfits. "Could I be confused for a stripper?" you wonder, feeling simultaneously like you want to and don't want to.
2. You go in a big group of girls and pregame beforehand and talk about how many things you are about to share with Rihanna. We are going to have the best time at the strip club! We are basically going to be blood sisters with Rihanna. Here, have more Patrón.
3. You wear a little more makeup and dress a little more stripper-y than you normally would. While you usually balance out Daisy Dukes with a baggy tank top, or a tight tank top with a maxi skirt, and don't wear a little outfit with heels because it's too much, tonight you are a Tight Short Things Plus Heels Party. When in Rome, dress like a stripper.
4. You admire the strippers' bodies. Because they are ripped as hell, but not jacked-looking. Screw the Tracy Anderson workout — get on the pole. You start feeling like a chump for not getting paid to work out like these women do.
5. You wonder how they keep their makeup perfect and look so hot while they're working so hard. Because when you leave spin class you look like a melted ice cream cone with hair.
6. You make the most uptight one of the group go put a dollar bill in a thong and she does it even though she's kind of annoyed and embarrassed. Jenny! Jenny! Here's a dollar. Jenny!!! Don't be such a loser, Jenny! Go! Go! G—HELLLLLLL YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH JENNNNNNNNNAAAAAYYYY!!
7. The drunkest and/or most free-spirited friend in your group gets a lap dance, makes out with a stripper, tries to get on the stage, or does something otherwise inappropriate. Shana, I know you're drunk and excited to be here and love Drake, but if you keep singing along using the actual N-word in "N-word We Made It," we are going to get kicked out.
8. Everyone fucking throws down to "Partition." "Partition" is a song that makes normal women want to be strippers. So what does it make strippers want to be? UBER-STRIPPERS, that's what.
9. You feel sad for the dancers with dead eyes who are not very good or energetic and look super-young, like creepy young, Everything gets real dark for a hot second and you just want the song to end, to tell her to wipe that glitter off her face and go back to school, and where are her parents?
10. You are deeply touched and affected by the #joyfulness of the best dancers. They just look so confident and like they're having FUN and they are so good at it. It's like watching any other woman kick ass at her job.
11. You send a bunch of drunk texts about how some of these strippers are "reeeeeally talented." Time stamp: 2 a.m. "They're soooooooooooooo talented."
12. Due to being hammered and in this environment, you share stories of same-sex experiences or attractions with your friends that you would not have shared sober. Yeah, there's a girl in my spin class I'm kinda attracted to. Wait, Jenny, you once dated a girl?
13. Gross guys hit on you. No thanks, we have drinks. And you look like a thumb.
14. Aforementioned gross guys think it's OK to try to grope your ass because, "Hey, we're both at a strip club, you must be down!" Hahahaha! No.
15. You look down at the actually-decent-looking and normal-seeming guys conducting what seem like business meetings close to the stage and wonder what their deal is. They walk among us. They go to bars we go to, and we let them buy us mojitos, and what if we end up married to one. :|
16. You see a couple getting a lap dance and admire their open-mindedness. Gotta keep things #spicy and be cool with the methodology required in keeping said things #spicy. Like, without wondering if he thinks she's hotter than you.
17. You wonder whether you and your boyfriend would have the same taste in strippers. You're kinda into the girl-next-door-looking, gawky, freckled girl who danced to vintage '90s R&B.; Would he be more into the less subtle blonde with augmented breasts who danced to A$AP Rocky? What does it all mean?
18. This one stripper keeps coming around and hitting on you because your friends are egging her on and you keep having to politely decline but eventually you accept the challenge and touch her boobs awkwardly. This is the first time you have ever felt fake boobs. They feel like water balloons inside Super Fresh shopping bags made of skin.
19. You drunkenly resolve to tell everyone how empowering stripping really is. It really is.
20. You think you're becoming BFFs with a friendly stripper until you realize she just wants a hundy. But you're not Nas, so you give her five dollars and feel slightly crestfallen that she doesn't want to have a slumber party.
21. You're so hungover the next day that you want to die. Rihanna doesn't get hangovers. She's developed an immunity.
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