Leading The Life You Want

A guest post by Stephanie Denning, who writes about leadership issues from a Millennial perspective. The views expressed here are her own.

We all struggle with Work-Life balance. Among my own Millennial generation, I have yet to see someone work a true 9-5 job. The new 9-5 of today means 9-5 in the office and many more hours worked remotely and/or on weekends. The reality is that we all work hard.  Not only has technology facilitated this trend, but the ongoing advances in technology are making it easier and more efficient for employees to work around the clock.

Of course, technology isn’t the only culprit. We also have ourselves to blame. We all hope that the greater the input of hours, the higher the output of success. This is where we’re wrong. But we all fall prey to this trap.  In his book Leading the Life You Want: Skills for Integrating Work and Life, Stewart D. Friedman studies how to tackle this very problem. Friedman emphasizes that the key is to find harmony:

"Work/life balance is a misguided metaphor for grasping the relationship between work and the rest of life; the image of the scale forces you to think in terms of trade-offs instead of the possibilities for harmony. And the idea that 'work' competes with 'life' ignores the more nuanced reality of our humanity. It ignores the fact that "life" is actually the intersection and interaction of the four domains of life; work or school; home or family; community or society; and the private realm of the mind, body, and spirit. Of course, you can't have it all - complete success in all the areas of your life, all at the same time. No one can. But even though it can seem impossible to bring these four domains into greater alignment, it doesn't have to be impossible. Conflict and stress aren’t inevitable. Harmony is possible.”

In his book, Friedman analyzes six of the "super successful," including Sheryl Sandberg and Bruce Springstein, who he believes have achieved this sense of harmony.

“From years of studying people in many different settings, I have found that the most successful are those who can harness the passion and powers of the various parts of their lives, bringing them together to achieve what I call four-way wins ; actions that result in life being better in all four domains. Successful people make it their business to be conscious of what and who matter most. […] They have all made compromises, and yet they’ve stayed true to themselves. […] And each helps us see how we can cultivate a life in which our own values and social contributions work in harmony – not necessarily every minute of every day, but consistently over the course of time.”

This harmony has a compounding effect:

“I believed that truly great leaders found a way to harmonize the different parts of their lives and that this harmony had a synergistic effect. Harmony begot more harmony and, even more important, the achievement of meaningful goals. What ensued was not only fortune or fame but also the deeply personal rewards of a good life.”

To find harmony he offers the following three-part framework: Be real, be whole, be innovative.

"Be real"

First and foremost, Friedman stresses authenticity. This might seem like a no-brainer, but think back to how often you’re pushed and pulled to move away from what you believe in. It is much easier to move with the crowd than act as a pillar. In our jobs, we might try to fit into a culture that might not necessarily resonate with us. Or we might feel pressure to pursue a job that we don’t find interesting or valuable. Staying true to yourself and maintaining it is hard. Friedman is right in placing this as the foundation. Of Michelle Obama, Friedman writes: “She follows her own moral compass, often in the face of intense pressure to do otherwise, when making decisions big and small.”

"Be whole"

Being whole means connecting different parts of your life. Things you learn in your personal life apply to your work life and vice versa. Eric Greitens, the former CEO of The Mission Continues, and one of Friedman’s case studies exemplifies this very trait:

“Greitens’ story is captivating because, as film director J.J. Abrams told me, Greitens is a man in whom ‘form and function are one.’ All the human capital he has amassed is applied in his efforts to achieve current aims. For example: Greitens used the attitude and skills he has acquired as a boxer (in the domain of his private self) in his career as a military officer (his profession). Inspired by his grandfather’s stories, Greitens studied boxing with men who understood that the game was as much about physical training for technical excellence as it was about developing the psychological tools for winning combat. From boxing, Greitens learned that preparation is all, that one can and must remain calm in the face of fear, and that one should fight honorably.”

"Be innovative"

Many times there aren’t any precedents, so you have to be creative in figuring out how to balance your life to the best of your ability. Be innovative by not being afraid to make changes in your life. If something isn’t working, change it. We learn from trial and error. Continue to iterate until you reach a more harmonious balance. When Michelle Obama faced raising kids while her husband was traveling for work, she took on the challenge,

“‘I was struggling with figuring out how to make this work for me.’ Obama told O magazine […] Then she rethought her situation. ‘I am sitting there with a new baby, angry, tired, and out of shape,’ she recalled to Liza Mundy. Obama needed to both carve out more time for herself and figure out a way to ease her burden on the home front that would help her marriage and her career. Asserting control of her new situation, she started rising at 4:30 to go to the gym on days when her husband was in town, both to get back in shape and to force him to take responsibility for the morning routine.”

 The work-life balance hurdle is most commonly discussed when you have kids. But getting creative applies in many other areas as well. For example don’t think its cheating to use a coach to help you at work. Sheryl Sandberg has utilized this resource.

“Sandberg’s rise to prominence hasn’t been easy. She has worked hard on her skills – sometimes intuitively, sometimes consciously, as when she used a coach to help her manage her growing team at Google or when she realized that her book should become personal. At the same time, she has grown into a role model for achieving success on one’s own terms.”

When you’re strapped for time, the best approach can be to use outside help. Even if you’re not short on time, getting a coach can be a good idea. (I recommend reading Atul Gawande’s great article in The New Yorker on this.)

Friedman dives further into his framework distilling the individual traits that drive harmony and success of these superstars.

"Taking care of number one"

While Friedman offers his own research and interpretation, he also encourages you to think about your own ideas throughout the book. What I found most captivating was one common thread: successful people made sure to take care of themselves. Reading Friedman’s book leads me to believe even more strongly that one of the most important factors of success is putting yourself first.

Success still carries this glaring misconception: people think input in the form of hours worked and output in the form of success are linearly correlated. But the relationship isn’t that simple. It’s linear as long as you are operating at your best. But mind and body experience wear and tear. And as your operating state starts to decline, so do your outputs. Its kind of like an automatic toothbrush. When its freshly charged, you think it could go at that speed for years. But as the battery wanes, it starts to get sluggish in its ability to clean your teeth. You start to experience diminishing returns to effort. The same is true for you. As you wear out, each unit of effort you put in is not as valuable. You have less energy, less enthusiasm than at the start. Just like any device you have a battery life and you have to recharge. You have to set aside time for whatever it is that recharges your battery.

While everyone will have different ways to recharge their battery, my own belief is that physical exercise is a critical part of that process. Mind and body are deeply connected. So I wasn’t surprised to find that the majority of these superstars placed sports or working out as a priority.

We saw earlier how Greitens believed boxing was equal parts physical and psychological training. Of Tom Tierney, former CEO of Bain and founder of Bridgespan, Friedman writes:

“To ensure that he was spending his days wisely, Tierney created what he calls 'magnets': commitments that he took as seriously as a partner meeting. One magnet was exercise; Tierney set out time exclusively for himself every morning for a workout.”

To sum up what sports can bring to your life, its probably best expressed in the words of US soccer player, Julie Foudy:

“Sports gives you a gift in life like no other: self-confidence and perseverance, and how to deal with setbacks, how to deal with losses, how to deal with adversity – all these things that are so vital to being a complete human being and a successful leader in life.”

This is true of any sport in your life. Even the most leisure workout will benefit you psychologically as well.

Bottom line

Leading the Life You Want does a great job in outlining similarities despite the wide-ranging career paths. All of his subjects are constantly on the move, never stopping even when they hit an obstacle. They exemplify the level of perseverance and grit depicted in the TED talk of Angela Duckworth, associate professor at the University of Pennsylvania. They see work and life as connected, not as separate silos.

While there are common threads on ways to achieve success while maintaining work-life balance, it's still an individual endeavor and there are many right answers. Friedman gives you tools to help you craft your own approach:

“Leading the life you want is a craft. A with music or writing or dance, or any athletic endeavor, you can always get better at it.”

Friedman’s book is a great starting point to learn about leading the life you want. It has many different shapes and sizes. You have to be your own leader in deciding what resonates with you and what ‘be real, be whole, be innovative’ looks like in your own life. To sum it up: I’ll turn it over to Julie Foudy for the win:

 “Asked by an interviewer what she would change if she had a magic wand, Foudy recently said, ‘You find so many kids who grow up and think, ‘Well, I’m not this or I’m not that, so I can’t be a leader. It’s not what I see in the magazines. It’s not what I read in history books. I don’t look that way. I don’t sound that way. I don’t have CEO or president next to my name.’ If I could, […] I would open up the definition of leadership so all kids understand that yes, you do have it. It just comes in different forms. We don’t all have the same type of leadership skills, so figure out what your leadership skill set is, and be true to that.”

 And read also:

The Four Leadership Lessons Millennials Really Need

Five Reasons To Unfriend Facebook

Secret To Startup Success: Create Like A God And Go Rogue 

Five Reasons Why Millennials Love Listicles

The Future Of The Food Industry

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Follow Stephanie Denning on Twitter at @stephdenning