GriefPerspectives | Helping the Bereaved Respond to "Well-Intentioned" Comments

This is a perplexing problem for counselors and others who provide help to bereaved people. We work particularly hard to provide helpful comments that do not minimize the loss, do not make meaning prematurely, and that do not discredit the experience of loss in all of its dimensions. It is amazing how all of this careful work with bereaved people can be so quickly “undone” by one or two careless comments.

Acknowledge the woundedness of words. Words matter and hurtful words matter mightily. We can acknowledge this fact—in support groups, in individual sessions with bereaved individuals, and in casual conversations. I have found that bereaved persons often “seethe” over the things that have been told them, thinking all the while there must be something wrong with them because they are angry at what they have been told.

It is a gift when we ask bereavement groups and bereaved individuals, “So what are the worst two or three things you have been told since your ______ died?” In bereavement groups, this often creates a bit of lighthearted banter as group members ooh and ahh over the awful things their fellow group members have been told. This also serves to add some perspective as group members they have not been singled out to hear dumb remarks.

Our asking about the hurtful words people have heard—and what their reactions are to them—serves another purpose. It makes it clear to our clients and patients that just like them, we find such wounding words to be unacceptable and want to call them what they are. Simply giving voice to such pain in the presence of a caring witness can be healing balm for a bereaved soul.

Teach the bereaved to become teachers. While it is sad that bereaved people must take on still another task, they have the opportunity to teach their well-meaning friends. One response I have taught to bereaved individuals to dispassionately say is: “Mary, I know you intend that comment to be helpful but I would like to explain why it is not. You see, no one child can replace another” or “Mark, thank you for your concern. What I have learned is that Bob’s death is relief as you say but it is much more; it is also great sadness. Please acknowledge the sadness in addition to the relief when you talk to people who are grieving.”

Bereaved people are empowered when we provide catchphrases with which to respond to hurtful words. I remind bereaved people often that if a relationship is worth saving, it is worth pointing out our friends’ (or family members’) carelessness with words. Even hurtful words are uttered in the hope of being helpful and caring; helping bereaved people see they are uttered without malice can be a great gift.

Assume the best from friends rather than the worst. Let’s face it: some of the things friends say to our

bereaved patients/clients make one think, “Wow, if that is what a friend thinks, I don’t want to hear from an enemy!” Yet, after more than 35 years of doing this work, I have become pretty certain that friends do not usually intend harm by their words; they usually intend only good. Part of my job has to be helping my patient/client to see this truth even while NOT excusing careless words. No bereaved mother should be told by anyone, “You are young and can have another” or “Well at least you have other children.” But asking a client to process with you what might have been going on in the mind of the person offering the careless comment can be useful. My favorite question in such a context is, “Wow. That is a hurtful thing and I know how deeply those words wound. What do you think might have been going on in her mind when she said that? Where do you think that could have come from?”

In a related context, last week I was providing support to a friend whose mother was dying. The mom had been anything but supportive over the years, had constantly found fault with my friend, and had reminded her how poorly she measured up to the mom’s expectations. In short, my friend has expressed many times over the years how she felt like her mother always saw her—and communicated verbally—that she was a disappointment.

Though the mother was already unconscious, in the last 36 hours or so of her life, my friend and I talked about what she knew of her mom’s background. She explained that she had recently learned her mother had been sexually abused by a male relative when she was a child though the mom had never talked about that in all of her 86 years. She had been left for days at a time with no money with which to feed her own children while her wealthy—and apparently stingy—husband travelled for a living (no surprise the mother “put on her dancing shoes” when the husband died!” While forgiveness is a strong word after a lifetime of bad behavior, I would say that my friend found some understanding about some of what might have led to the behavior. She did not excuse it or minimize it (oh, it wasn’t that bad…) but she did seem to gain some new perspective on how much her mother had suffered and this created just a bit of grace toward her in the dying hours of her mother’s life.

The bottom line is that we have to help bereaved individuals to “take charge” of their experience inasmuch as they can. Helping them gain some fresh perspective on hurtful words is one way to do that.

The Author: For more than three decades, William G. Hoy has been counseling with the bereaved, supporting the dying and their families, and teaching colleagues how to provide effective care. After a career in congregation, hospice, and educational resource practice, he now holds a full-time teaching appointment as Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas where he has taught since 2012. His most recent book is Bereavement Groups and the Role of Social Support: Bridging Theory, Research, and Practice (Routledge, 2016).