Mark Twain > Quotes

“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales

“I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
― Mark Twain, Tom Sawyer Abroad

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”
― Mark Twain

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”
― Mark Twain

“Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.”
― Mark Twain

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
― Mark Twain

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”
― Mark Twain

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”
― Mark Twain

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”
― Mark Twain

“After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.”
― Mark Twain, The Diaries of Adam & Eve: Translated by Mark Twain

“The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”
― Mark Twain

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
― Mark Twain

“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”
― Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
― Mark Twain

“Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson

“The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.”
― Mark Twain

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.”
― Mark Twain

“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
― Mark Twain

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
― Mark Twain

“If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.”
― Mark Twain

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”
― Mark Twain

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
― Mark Twain

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
― Mark Twain

“Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”
― Mark Twain

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”
― Mark Twain

“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
― Mark Twain

“I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.”
― Mark Twain

“There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”
― Mark Twain, Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”
― Mark Twain, Notebook

“Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.

Next, in another cage I confined an Irish Catholic from Tipperary, and as soon as he seemed tame I added a Scotch Presbyterian from Aberdeen. Next a Turk from Constantinople; a Greek Christian from Crete; an Armenian; a Methodist from the wilds of Arkansas; a Buddhist from China; a Brahman from Benares. Finally, a Salvation Army Colonel from Wapping. Then I stayed away for two whole days. When I came back to note results, the cage of Higher Animals was all right, but in the other there was but a chaos of gory odds and ends of turbans and fezzes and plaids and bones and flesh--not a specimen left alive. These Reasoning Animals had disagreed on a theological detail and carried the matter to a Higher Court.”
― Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth: Uncensored Writings