Anyone born before the 1950 might not know about Spotify or twerking, but they knew a hell of a lot about sex. In fact, some of their phrases for boinking are way better than anything you'd find on Urban Dictionary. Here are 12 you need to work into your vocabulary immediately:
1. Hot cockles. Not only is this fun to say, but it has the added bonus of meaning both "sex" and "fingering," so you have no excuse not to use this today.
2. How's your father? When you want to say you're having sex, instead you can say you had "a bit of how's your father?" if the situation isn't awkward enough already and you want to bring parents into a talk about sex.
3. Make a coffee house of a woman's c*nt. This one manages to be uncomfortably illustrative and outright confusing all at the same time. See, back in the day, coffeehouses were sometimes fronts for brothels, so you could get some action along with your vente double-soy latte. This phrase describes when a guy pulls out and comes on you, which, back in the day, was something you only did to prostitutes. Yes, this is the absolute worst, and yes, you will probably still want to work it into a conversation as soon as possible.
4. Detemescence. Next time a guy gets embarrassed that he can't get it up, don't say anything about erectile dysfunction or whiskey dick. Just say he has "detemescence." You can let him down easier when it sounds fancy.
5. Face-making. It refers to the fact that you're making a baby, and babies have faces. Also, it can mean oral sex. Yes, we can all agree that this is the best one.
6. The flesh's service. Since saying "boning" wasn't anywhere near creepy enough.
7. Amourus congress. Here's a very fancy way of saying premarital sex. So if you want to sound like a dutchess when telling your friends about your latest hook up, use this.
8. Wriggling pole. Slang for a penis that makes what you do with it just sound kind of sad.
9. Houghmagandy. A much more fun and lively way to say "doing it," this is probably best used when shouting it excitedly.
10. Lechecraft. This sounds like some creepy spell or something you'd hear on Game of Thrones, but it just means unmarried sex. Use it when you want to make sex sound grosser.
11. Green gown. When you have sex in a grass field nude, which was rusty trombone level kinky in the 1800s.
12. Tickle-thomas. Did you want a way creepier euphemism for your vagina? Well, now you have one!
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