Five and a half ways to help a friend who's grieving

“I just don’t know what to do.”

Ever felt that way as you’ve watched a friend suffer the pain of a great loss? There’s no magic formula to take their pain away; indeed, the pain is an indication of the depth of connection. But there are some things you can do to be supportive and help them in this time.

1. Mention it.

I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but I do. Acknowledge the loss. You can say things like:

• I'm so sorry...
• I can't imagine what it must be like for you...
• I will always miss...

She told me about a friend who was devastated over the loss of her beloved dog. “I kind if missed seeing him myself when I went to her house,” she said, “but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to upset her.”

Sadly, this was said by a counseling professor who should have known better. It’s not the case that people have forgotten all about their loss until we remind them. We're not telling them something they don't know. If they cry, it's not because we made them cry. They cry because they are grieving.

Saying the name of the loved is a way of honoring their presence in your lives. Memory is the only connection we have left. Parents especially have a fear that their child will not be remembered.

So, acknowledge the loss. They may want to talk about it or they may need to take a break. But let them the choice. Either way, don't pretend like it didn't happen.

(After posting this I came across this perfect example:

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/07/14/stop-the-world/)

2. Talk about the loved one.

Don’t be afraid to share your memories of the deceased. That’s a priceless gift for loved ones. Sometimes we're able to share a story they hadn't heard - or one they hadn't thought about. “I remember the time when…” or “Did I ever tell you what he said…”

If you have no memories to share, ask your friend for theirs. "What's your favorite memory?" "How did you meet your husband?” When I was preparing to lead my very first funeral I asked the widow what she thought of her husband when she first met him. Since they were happily and lovingly married for over sixty years I expected something romantic. "Didn't think much of him," was her laconic reply.

3. Assist with concrete tasks.

Think about this person's life. What is it that they may need help with doing? Don't just say, "Let me know if I can do anything." Grief tends to make our minds foggy and they may not be able to think that concretely.

After a serious biking accident I was in a wheelchair for several months. Friends helped out by bringing food. I'll never forget the friend who called to ask what I liked to eat for breakfast. "When my mother died," she said, "everyone brought food but only for lunch and dinner. We had meatloaf for breakfast because no one thought to bring breakfast food."

Do they need help with childcare so they can have some time to themselves? Can you run errands for them? Mow the lawn or wash the car? Pick up their dry cleaning?

4. Don’t tell them what they should be feeling, doing or thinking

First of all, you may not know many of the shades of their grief. For example, a caregiver may feel guilty and yet relieved because the burden of caregiving is gone.

Secondly, a present day grief may open the door to grief from long ago that was never acknowledged.

We all feel what we feel. If the feeling is based on a faulty assumption you can remind them of what is true. Mostly we need people who will allow us to be honest about how we feel. Likewise, don’t expect them to “have closure” and “be all better” after a few weeks.

This isn't a time to overwhelm them with your story. You can mention it: "Yes, that was hard for me when my mother died," but don't go into a long story. Your friend doesn't have space in their life to hear that right now. Keep the focus on them.

5. Encourage them to get support.

Grief support groups, grief sharing programs, or talking with a counselor doesn’t make the grief magically go away but can make the journey more bearable. They can provide valuable education about the process of grieving and normalize what someone is experiencing. It also gives the grieving person a little bit of time where they can focus on just themselves and their own needs, which may be the best gift of all.

5 and a half. If you were friends as couples, continue to include the surviving spouse.

I cannot tell you how many people I've heard talk about the double dose of loneliness that comes with losing a spouse: losing your partner in life but also losing the friends with whom you did things as couples.

Continue to invite them to dinner or other social occasions.

Peggy Haymes, LPC is the author of "I Don't Remember Signing Up for This Class: A life of darkness, light and surprising grace."