Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci invite you into their delightful Nevada Love Ranch

This year's blockbuster season hasn't been particularly sexy so far, has it? We've had Scarlett Johansson in lycra in Iron Man 2, and Russell Crowe catering for that niche market who like fat blokes with non-specific regional accents, but there hasn't been anything really sexy yet.

Love Ranch looks set to change all that. Unreleased for two years thanks to various sticky financial issues, Love Ranch has finally found a distributor willing to give it the time of day. Not a moment too soon: if anyone can inject some sex into summer, it's Dame Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci. They may have a combined age of 131 – but you would, wouldn't you? Look, for the purposes of this article, let's just say that you would.

Anyway, if the just-released Love Ranch trailer is anything to go by, the movie promises to be a non-stop thrill ride of sexy fun from start to finish. And just to prove this once and for all, I've combed through the Love Ranch trailer to handpick its 10 sexiest moments for you.

1) The opening scene of the trailer sets the scene perfectly. There's neon, the words "Love Ranch" written in a vaguely psychedelic font, the silhouette of a naked woman who jiggles from side to side, a notice declaring that said Love Ranch is open 24 hours a day. Yes, this Love Ranch film is going to be pretty damn sexy.

2) And PVC boots, too. They can only mean one thing: sex. Or mid-depth freshwater wading. Let's just assume that it's sex, though.

3) Yup, sex was right. It's everywhere you look in this scene. Joe Pesci and that much younger woman are going to have sex, the figures in the painting behind them seem to be enjoying some sex and I'm willing to wager that the wallpaper in the background is a magic eye puzzle of something sexy. It must be. They can't possibly have chosen it because it looks nice. That'd be weird.

4) Just look at that registration number: "Luv $ex". Look how there's a dollar sign instead of the "s" in "sex", too. Whoever this film's about, they sure know how to live.

5) And there's a grinning hunk for the ladies, too. You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that Love Ranch will be the sexiest film ever made.

6) Oh, wait, hang on. A sign reading "Wages of Sin"? Another sign that appears to reference Nevada's Storey County brothel-licensing ordinance of 1971? That doesn't seem very sexy. That's actually quite unsettling. Maybe it's just an irrelevant subplot or something.

7) OK, admittedly this does look more like a violent beating than a sex scene, but it's hard to know in the context of this trailer. After all, Pesci is putting his fingers into someone else's mouth. That's sort of sexy, isn't it? Yes, that's it. It might not look like it is, but this is sexy. It has to be.

8) No, that's it. That's quite enough. Insinuation of prostitution I could take. Unprovoked violent attacks I could take. Horrible wallpaper I could take. But this? That's the queen of England you're wriggling all over, you brute! Have you no sense of etiquette? Honestly, I'm starting to think that this isn't a very sexy film at all.

9) It appears that, at this juncture, Pesci brings the film to a halt in order to tell a long-winded Ronnie Corbett-style anecdote about his agent and the substandard quality of BBC canteen food. Phew. Hopefully this means that the Love Ranch trailer is rallying itself for a light-hearted ending.

10) Oh, no, my mistake. It ends with Pesci beating up a woman and crying. I'm going to level with you here: Love Ranch probably isn't going to be as sexy as I thought it would be. That said, it still looks light years sexier than Robin Hood.