What does it take to sustain a marriage?
To learn more about your own relationship, take the quiz below to measure how much it expands your knowledge and makes you feel good about yourself. The quiz was developed by Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., associate psychology professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey.
Answer each question according to the way you feel, using the following scale. Answers range from (1) not very much to (7) very much.
My partner provides exciting experiences in spades, and is Constantly challenging me.
Science?? Much more of a tricky and compicated art in my experience.
Ah, I had a highly expansive relationship and it lasted for fourteen years. Then we ran out of things we could learn from each other.
My theory on the expansiveness theory: it doesn’t last forever as familiarity inevitably sets in.
Commendations on a well written article Ms. Tara Parker-Pope. A lot of good common-sense. Hormone-crazed teens and 20-somethings should read it…. though, hormones often enough cancel out common-sense and logic.
Also took the quiz…. and scored an astounding score of 70.
It’s not really surprising, My partner accedes to all of my whims, desires, quirks, peccadilloes, idiosyncrasies, moods… and provides me with understanding, compassion, eclectic interaction, stimulation, new concepts and ideas… and unbridled unconditional love and commitment.
My partner, for the time being, is me.
HNY!
this quiz is one way to assess the state of a relationship, but i think before taking it, i already knew that russbear, you make my world so much bigger. i love you.
Having experienced two marriages (second one doing just fine) I think that this “test” is plain stupid. You expect too much from another person or what you can expect without self-development.
Phooey.
Recently the DD asked what I “see” in her father. To put it bluntly, she wanted to know what made me fall in love with him. I told her that he is my intellectual equal and we know equal amounts of different things. Quite simply, we enlighten one another all the days of our lives together. She wasn’t impressed with my answer. But honestly, I think that’s the reason we’re together nearly 40 years!
Perhaps I skimmed the article and the quiz a little too quickly, but two words seem to be conspicuously absent: “children” and “family”.
What rot. I just tested my ex and me. We scored a beautiful 66.
But the test didn’t ask anything about her being a romanceaholic who repeatedly, compulsively cheated on me.
Instead, I recommend my own personal “Mama Told Me” test: Look at how your significant other treated the last person they were involved with. Accept that it will be no different with you.
Bummer….I got like a 14.
Maybe I will send this to my therapist.
So basically, a relationship is like a coal mine. If you are getting a lot from it, great. If not, drill harder or shut it down.
Maybe a better idea is to try to have your partner score 70 and be damn glad somebody loves you and let them know it. But what do I know? I’ve only been with my wife for 10 years and there were times in the past I might have left if it weren’t for the kids.
I’m glad I stayed. Because some days she scores 10 some days she scores 70.
I wonder if this really works for everyone. I think it might work well for people who score high on the personality trait of being open to new experiences but not so well for those who don’t. Did any of the researchers looked at any interactions with personality traits?
# 4 RC – Your entry made me chuckle.
After laughing a little – the laugh of a gal who can completely relate – I realized that you and I are at least poised to be in a successful relationship – that being we actually like ourselves for who we are. If you like yourself, it’s just so much easier for someone else to like you.
#6 Mary – I agree. No expectations is the best way to go – leaves one open to the surprise that may occur and somewhat closed off to the possibility of disappointment.
This is a poorly constructed quiz. It plays into the human tendency to respond in similar ways to similar topics and formats. The quiz also makes obvious what the “good” answer is and invites respondents to shade their presentations to ut themselves in a better light. At a minimum, reverse the order of the “good” responses. More profoundly, arrange questions as a choice between competing goods.
I scored ten out of seventy so my marriage should have been on the rocks a long time ago.
Lets face it. My partner is extremely boring, egotistical and unexciting.
But so am I. So we’re perfectly suited to each other.
the comment of NYM is very interesting..i guess that is why i feel that single people are more self centred than married people….hopefully self expansion is one way for Ego deflation ..which is a true Blessing..
Give me a break. Talk about unrealistic, psycho-babble drivel. Never, never, never rely on others to determine your level of happiness — no one can live up to those expectations.
( I’ve been married
over 30 years and at this point, the only “self-expansion” we mutually experience is in our waistlines.)
#6 Mary,
I agree. This test is ridiculous. I think it is more indicative of co-dependency, not healthy relationships. It is not the job of our partners to be our life coaches, teachers, motivators or emotional caretakers.
I’ve been doing couples therapy and family therapy for forty years. In that time, I’ve yet to meet a couple heading for divorce where both parties describe their sex lives as great-to-outstanding. It’s one of the first things I assess, both meeting with the couple and individually with the partners.
When sex works, almost always everything can be drawn along in its wake. When it doesn’t, all the connection and expansiveness in the world can go down the marital drain.
My longest lasting partner was not very expansive because he was not interesting or interested. The next longest lasting partner was interesting and interested and hence expanded me but he was mentally ill and abusive after the beginning of the relationship. I find now that I expand myself through my own efforts and being with interesting/interested friends.
I’m in a very happy marriage of over 30 years and only scored 59. I don’t think that the researchers have hit on what makes a sustainable marriage.
25 yrs of marriage has taught me that you can stretch beyond your interactions with your partner and still maintain a fulfilling marriage. Don’t put much credence in this quiz!
This was fascinating for me. I now understand why my husband and I have managed to stay together over many years while many of our peers have divorced or broken up.
I am absolutely a better person because of my husband, and I learn something from him every day. He is patient, methodical and warm and I am more rash, impulsive and impatient; being with him has forced me to access parts of myself I think would have gone by the wayside if I had been on my own. We both love learning and learn from each other – we read the news every day and sometimes stay up until midnight talking about the moral, ethical, or historical implications of something we read. I now understand, as a result of reading this, that not everyone has this type of relationship, which is a shame. I think having someone in my life that tolerates my weaknesses, helps me overcome my shortcomings, and expands my worldview has made my life immeasurably richer.
I think this is very interesting. My parents just celebrated their 49th anniversary and I have speculated that the key to their success is that they continue to help each other grow and learn.
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