Published in the January 2011 "Meaning of Life" issue
A sore throat means cancer until the doctor says, "Don't be so stupid."
No one can say I've failed except me, artistically, because no one knows my ambitions. They don't know what I was trying to do.
Whenever I hear someone in TV or a comedian called a "genius," I think, Medicine lost another one. You mustn't put even someone as great as Larry David alongside Newton.
Newton couldn't tell a joke. He'd fluff every line, but he had other strings to his bow.
I'd never tried my hardest at anything before The Office. I put everything into it and I never compromised — and I learned what an amazing feeling not compromising is.
We've got a little bit of David Brent in all of us. We all sometimes mistake popularity with respect. We all want to be liked. We all wonder whether our perception of ourselves is exactly the same as the rest of the world's. And we all want to feel that we belong.
The only thing I ever demanded was final edit.
Stand-up is the last bastion of self-censorship outside the novel.
I never forget that I'm still a real person in the real world. I never completely suspend my disbelief in art.
I love Laurel and Hardy.I love them because they're precarious. I love them because even though outwardly the comedy comes from them saying, "I'm with this idiot, I'd be better off without him," you know they wouldn't. You want them to fucking hug. They found the DNA for comedy, and it hasn't been improved upon.
The funniest person you know isn't a comedian. He's a friend of yours or a family member, because of the absolute wealth of input you have together, the two-way connection.
Americans are told they can be the next president of the United States. In Britain, we're told, "It won't happen to you. Don't be stupid. Don't even try."
Honestly, no one swears like the British. A cockney saying "cunt" is the scariest thing.
I'm overwhelmed with feeling when I see a mountain or a dolphin, or when I think of how amazing evolution is. I just know that it wasn't made by design, that's all. And I know that when we die, we're dead. But love isn't an illusion.
Hell is guilt. That's my hell.
After The Office, the check came through, and it slightly ruined it. Because I didn't want it to be mixed with why I was proud.
It's like a giant panic room we've got. The whole house — you press a button and steel shutters come down on every window. I have good security. It's fundamental. And we're in the nicest neighborhood in London. You never know.
I'm not paranoid, though. It's more to do with comfort, privacy, security. Fundamental. You can't enjoy your life if you're worrying about other things.
I think I'm giving the wrong impression — the shutters make me look like a mental case. They just come down over the windows at night, on the inside. When we go to bed.
I don't want to impress people I wouldn't cross the road to talk to. I want there to be a strict door policy at my club. I want to go, "You can't come in. You won't like this. And I don't want you to like it."
I don't like it when people say, "I did it for the money." I don't like it when they go, "I'm just being honest." Okay, fine — but now I can't count you with this other group of people that've never let me down. Neil Young, he's never let me down.
Music is still to me the greatest art form. I'm in awe of it. A chord can make me feel sick.
Intelligence is certainly linked to violence in hominid evolution, because we were born without armor and claws and teeth. So we had to work out ways to live and to kill, and we were great at it. We're the best at it.
If you're going to try serial killing, do it properly. Don't just kill 'em. Kill 'em, fuck 'em, eat 'em. If I was a judge and you came to me and you'd killed twenty people, I'd say, "Did you fuck 'em and eat 'em?" and you said, "No," I'd say, "Get out of my fuckin' courtroom."
I have a gym in my house.The thing is, though, I'm only trying to live longer so I can eat more cheese and drink more wine.
These are pajamas. They're getting a bit thin, though. I've got to throw these away soon. Nothing bad. They're clean and they're comfortable. Who are we trying to impress?
