The Uninvited Guest: Making Room for Grief
/ Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley
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"Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it." ~ Brené Brown, The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
On the day your loved one died, or perhaps the day when you realized your loved one was going to die, grief turned up on the front doorstep of your family home, bags in hand, and said: "I intend to stay for quite some time."
Perhaps you stood in the doorway stammering in shock, as grief squeezed by you as though it had no time to wait for an invitation. Or perhaps you took a firmer stance and said something like, "We have no room for you, grief, and you've come at a terrible time." Either way, it doesn't matter because grief could care less about being an imposition.
When a loved one dies, grief moves in. It becomes a part of your family. It sits at your dining room table and it attends every family holiday. You can try to wait it out, thinking that if you don't make space for grief it will eventually leave, but this never works because grief will just cram itself into corners and closets and all the other empty spaces it can find.
I understand the reasons why you might not want to embrace grief. Maybe you're worried that if you open yourself up to grief it will take over everything and you'll lose control. Maybe you don't know your strength and you worry that grief will hurt too much. Or perhaps, thinking of your family, your children who've already been through so much, and your belief that you need to be strong for everyone else, you decide that being vulnerable is too much of a risk.
After all, think about all that's at stake -- the wellbeing of your children, their future, your relationship with them, your sense of identity as a parent. I know, you have enough worries to keep you awake for weeks to come! But these are worries, not realities and as you run around slamming doors on grief and worrying about (possible) future outcomes, you are missing the opportunity to connect with your child in the present and to show them what it truly means to be strong and brave in the face of fear.
Not to make things more complicated, but I suppose once you decide to be strong, brave, and present you must also decide what these things look like. In many ways these things are subjective, but I will tell you what they are not. They are not running away, hiding, denying reality, or closing your eyes very tightly and wishing away the thing that scares you. These behaviors are seldom synonymous with strength and bravery and they always prevent you from being present.
Strength and bravery more often look like staring the thing that scares you in the eye and saying -- I know you will cause me pain, but I can deal with you; I know you will hurt a lot at first, but I can tolerate you; I know you will make me weak at times, but I will try to learn and grow from you. And most importantly, I will make room for you because we're all sick of tiptoeing around, wondering when you're going to pop out from whatever small space you're hiding in and startle us.
Those who grieve for your loved one will likely do so forever, but please don't feel discouraged by this thought. As time goes on the look and feel of grief will change. You'll still have bad grief days from time-to-time, but eventually, they'll be outnumbered by good ones. And although you'll still experience negative thoughts and emotions, their intensity will greatly diminish and in the space they once occupied something good will flourish. Because by making room for grief, you've drawn it out of the darkness. You've accepted it as a part of you and your family and you've created a space where your family's abiding love for the person who died can continue to thrive.
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Kimecarter July 26, 2022 at 7:28 pm
I personally talk about my sister like she here
I know she’s gone I will always miss her
I just am trying not to cry every time I think of her
I believe she walks beside us all the time watching us wishing she could communicate with us .Sometimes she does just a little touch or little breeze .I won’t let her memories die she will always be near and I talk to her like this is what she did or would do.
Always here with you Connie 😍
Isabell Woodside October 11, 2021 at 3:14 am
I lost my partner 5 month ago and I am struggling so much with anxiety and panic attacks I don’t know how much more I can take the longing for him is unbearable
Myeshia July 26, 2022 at 11:02 pm
I loss my boyfriend 2 weeks ago, and everyday takes all of my energy just to function. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you receive peace and comfort.
Ember September 6, 2019 at 11:59 am
Deafened by the ringing in my ears, crushed by every lead weighted breath, Kate’s words circled in my mind. The words, they are wrong some how. How did the meaning change. It cannot be that she meant he is dead. My son cannot be gone. My entire body quakes with each heartbeat. My eyes unable to look, my non walking legs frozen. Nothing was right. Nothing penetrated. Wrapped in the arms of friends unable to feel their hugs, I went through the motions of they days and weeks and months holding the dust off my crumbled heart. Grief. One day I felt the warmth of my dogs kisses as warm again, weeks later I smiled at an old woman hobbling out of the grocery store… It’s gone on for over 5 years this healing. Every day I love and laugh and live because I didn’t die. Nearly all of the ones I love and who love me back are here and we play, sing, laugh, splash, hike, work, cry and keep living. I will not give up all of love because one was lost. Justin, my son, is a brilliant soul. I adore him. I miss him. My body aches for his hugs, my ears long to hear him laugh. I don’t know where he is. I was not always a good mother. All of these things are grief. We all know grief. Thank you for sharing yours and hearing mine. It’s important. It’s part of being human. Brene Brown is one of my teachers and I am grateful for her.
Carmelina December 8, 2018 at 2:59 pm
Grief is individual. Everyone deals with it in their own way. There is no fast and hard rule. I for one will never get over losing my husband of almost 44 years and i am only 63 years old. For years i have looked after everyone else children, parents etc.. and now that we could have enjoyed our life he has been snatched from me. Unless you go through losing both parents a godmother that was like my mother especially as my mother god bless her soul was not very maternal person. Then In August this yeat i lost my darling beloved husband all in under two years. Dont let anyone dictate to me about grief I am in absolute bits trying not to show my sons. Whilst i am falling apart. So please do not try and tell people you know what grief is as you absolutely DO NOT KNOW unless you go through it personally. I will NEVER get over losing him.
Carmelina
Elizabeth Eddy December 7, 2018 at 1:05 pm
This sounds like the “grief is not a place to stay” quotation. I love ❤️ Brene Brown, but the grief from child loss doesn’t just intend to unpack and stay for awhile, it replaces your child. It sits in your body memory. It haunts you, reminding you over and over again just what you have lost and how significant that is to your emotional health, your body, your identity and your life. It is trauma or PTSD or both. It is the primevil scream of a mother who has to accept that she will never see her child again in human form, if ever. No one knows the answer to that. It is listening to caring people suggest ridiculous platitudes and activities for healing. Other children and grandchildren are wonderful, however, they don’t replace the child who is missing forever. Nothing ever could. It is depression and unimaginable sadness and weight. We recognize our grief every second of every day. It is not just unpacking to stay for awhile. It is life now…
Gail December 9, 2018 at 3:37 am
Thank you Elizabeth for your words.
‘ …it replaces your child….how significant it is to your emotional health, your body, your identity, your life…..depression, unimaginable sadness and weight….every second of every day. It is life now.’
Your words make me feel normal. I’ll be talking to someone, smiling, but my sadness and the weight of losing my child is ALWAYS right there. It has changed me forever……yet people are waiting for me to ‘recover ‘.
It took me a long time when I lost Dad and he was 83. My child? …….not until I’m with her. She was 30.
Tara March 16, 2018 at 4:17 pm
So must we be somehow qualified by our own grief in order to support others? Brene Brown certainly isn’t my “guru” but I disagree with the notion that she can’t be supportive of those who are in grief. I have lost a lot, too, and I’ve found some of the most powerful support to those simply witnessing my pain and giving it permission to be spoken. She may not understand exactly where you are, but grief is so individual and without rules, that even if she had been through similar losses, she couldn’t possibly know your individual experience of it. I don’t hear her offering advice, but a safe place to bravely sit with whatever is happening.
Tara March 16, 2018 at 4:17 pm
So must we be somehow qualified by our own grief in order to support others? Brene Brown certainly isn’t my “guru” but I disagree with the notion that she can’t be supportive of those who are in grief. I have lost a lot, too, and I’ve found some of the most powerful support to those simply witnessing my pain and giving it permission to be spoken. She may not understand exactly where you are, but grief is so individual and without rules, that even if she had been through similar losses, she couldn’t possibly know your individual experience of it. I don’t hear her offering advice, but a safe place to bravely sit with whatever is happening.
Mary October 1, 2016 at 12:43 pm
Sorry but Brene Brown is married, has never survived the loss of anything and has no place advising us or sitting with those of us who have lost parents, husbands, children, everything we’ve owned to SuperStorm Sandy and grieved while raising kids, working, and continuing to be a light for others. She is not my guru and never will be.
Eleanor October 1, 2016 at 5:40 pm
Hey Mary,
I’m sorry you don’t like Brene Brown and please know we would never suggest you look to anyone as a guru. I do agree with her quote quite wholeheartedly though.
Rose October 3, 2016 at 8:55 am
Yes agree
She gives the viewpoint of those who think they know . They don’t
They can’t and are lucky for that
Suzy September 27, 2016 at 7:51 pm
yes, I am certain I will grieve the loss of my 28 year old son forever. I am also certain that my faith teaches me that God will carry me, so that I will have less intensity described in this article.
When my mind gets out of control, I say STOP and then pray God Help Me.
It does help