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Trigger warning: This piece contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
I graduated from New York University in 2011 full of hope — and also with a good chunk of student loan debt. At the time, I owed $68,000 despite having made payments on my undergrad loans for the five years prior. A year later, that hope dissipated and I was in a full-fledged depressive episode. I ended up in Portland, Oregon, after my dreams of getting a full-time job in the arts in New York City didn’t pan out. In Portland, I could only find temp work, making between $10 and $12 per hour. This was not exactly how I envisioned my life with a master’s degree from my “dream school.” Making so little and owing so much felt overwhelming. I felt a mixture of shame, guilt, depression, and all-consuming anxiety.
How was I ever going to pay back this debt? I believed with so much confidence that my life would be better with a master’s degree and I’d be able to pay back the debt with ease. That was not the case. “It takes a certain degree of trust in the future to take on debt,” explains financial therapist Amanda Clayman. There’s hope and confidence that you will be able to tackle the debt. Clayman tells Allure that borrowers typically think they’ll be able to pay for their degree after they get a job. When reality hits, it can be sobering. “There’s a sense of moving from optimism to reality — and sometimes a difficult reality.”
The reality of trying to pay back my debt had a significant impact on my mental health. There was a constant low-level buzzing anxiety and depression so deep it almost made everything feel hopeless. When we start to lose hope, we start to lose our capacity to enjoy life. We start to wonder what’s the point in living. While I felt extremely depressed about my student loan debt, I was never suicidal. But that’s not the case for many people.
The Link Between Suicide and Debt
Data analysis from a 2013 study published in the journal Clinical Psychology Review shows that those who died by suicide were eight times more likely to be in debt. But why does debt feel like a death sentence for some people?
“Debt can make us feel really trapped. Anything that makes us feel trapped is something that will kick off our fight, flight, or freeze response,” notes Clayman.
Suicide can seem like an easy way out to alleviate the burden of debt. According to the most recent report by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s Center for Microeconomic Data, outstanding student loan debt in the U.S. stands at nearly $1.5 trillion and total credit card balances have seen a $20 billion increase as of the second quarter of 2019 and stands at $870 billion. Student loan debt is especially difficult to discharge in bankruptcy and has been a growing concern for young people. According to a survey earlier this year by Bankrate, it’s also causing some borrowers to delay marriage, kids, and retirement. In many ways, debt can impact your current reality and be a stark contrast to the life you want.
When debt starts to feel like the determining factor in how a person should live, it feels like you’re robbed of any agency or choice. When hard-earned money goes to debt each month and is paying for the past, not the present or future, it’s understandable that hopelessness creeps in. All of these factors contribute to depression and the thinking that suicide is the only way out.
Compounding Debt, Compounding Stressors
“Debt can act as a chronic stressor in a person's life. When it comes to large debts such as student loans, that stressor can make everything more complicated. It's normal to have stressful things that happen in life, and our minds and bodies are equipped to handle the occasional/time-limited stressor,” says financial therapist Lindsay Bryan-Podvin.. “The problem with a stressor that is chronic and consistent is that our minds and bodies start to fatigue.”
Experiencing mental and physical fatigue only seems to add to the problem. Paying back large sums of money oftentimes requires a certain mental and physical fortitude. Budgeting can affect your quality of life as can the need to put in more hours at work to earn more. Both of these things become more difficult when experiencing depression and symptoms like fatigue. It can be a vicious cycle that keeps you feeling stuck.
While experiencing these stressors (plus potential additional life stressors), people often get to a point of denial, which has its own set of consequences. Missing payments can lead to delinquency and default, which can tank your credit score. All the while you may be dealing with debt collectors, who can be aggressive. In fact, according to the Federal Trade Commission, they receive more complaints about debt collectors than any other industry. Though there are consumer protection laws in place, debt collectors don’t always play nice (or legal). They’ve been known to resort to harassment and unruly demands, and even disclose debts to employers and family members.
On top of that, if you have federal student loans and are in default, you can be subject to wage garnishment. The government can go after your tax refund, social security, or 15 percent of your disposable pay.
What You Can Do
If you’re feeling buried under the weight of what you owe there are steps you can take, but first understand that debt doesn't make you a bad person. “Our society has this underlying narrative that debt is ‘bad.’ When we have debt, the lines can start to get blurred from ‘debt is bad’ to ‘I am bad,’” explains Bryan-Podvin.
Repeat after me: You are not your debt. This refrain is what helped me unlock the shame I felt with my own debt and got me into the right headspace to tackle it head-on and eventually pay it all off. Also, realize you are absolutely not alone. According to a 2018 report by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, there are currently at least 44 million student loan borrowers, and a CNBC/Morning Consult survey this year of 2,200 adults showed 55 percent of those with a credit card reported having credit card debt.
Additionally, try to do some rethinking when it comes to money in general. We live in a capitalist society with what many critics call a racist credit system, and while acknowledging that doesn’t erase your debt or the stressors you’re currently dealing with, it may help reframe your situation. We play with the cards we’ve been dealt to some extent and it can be helpful to take a closer look at the ways these institutions actually work from a social justice perspective.
Clayman also suggests getting back to basics and taking an inventory of where you’re at. “Reground in basic survival needs, in the here and now. Do I have a roof over my head? Do I have food? Is there someone I can call? Get back to the moment,” she explains.
Doing this can help shift your focus away from the daunting, unknown future that seems impossible. You want to lessen the anxiety before tackling your debt head-on. “It is often much more valuable to step away from money tasks for a period until you can reground and move through the stress reaction in your body,” says Clayman. “Then come back to the money piece.”
To start, you can consider counseling. When I was paying off what I owed and deeply depressed, I found affordable counseling through the local college’s graduate counseling program. “If you are employed, seek therapy through your benefits package or Employee Assistance Plan,” suggests Bryan-Podvin. “Financial counseling can help too. This is a specific type of guidance that helps people create financial plans to achieve goals and get out of debt. Depending on the nature of the debt, it may make sense to speak to a credit consolidation company.”
If you have federal student loans, you can consider going on deferment or forbearance to put a pause on your payments. If income is an issue, you can also choose an income-driven repayment plan, which can make your payments more affordable. You can also consider talking to a credit counselor at the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. There’s even a 12-step program for people in debt, Debtors Anonymous. The key is to take action.
“When something feels uncomfortable, we want to know what to do for the feeling to go away,” says Clayman. She suggests a four-step process:
- Gather information — What are the knowable facts?
- Analyze options — Go through different results and consequences with each (ex: What is the worst thing that can happen if you don’t pay your debt?).
- Make a decision — Decide which option works best for you.
- Follow through — Take action.
“This process can get ourselves out of this feeling of being trapped and remind us of the choices we have,” notes Clayman. If you’re struggling with debt and depression and considering suicide, remember you are not alone. You are not a loan.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
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