4 Keys to Shifting Negative Behavior
Key Four RE-WIRE YOUR BRAIN

The brain science surrounding child development has exploded in the last twenty years. It is almost impossible to continue perpetuating traditional punitive discipline once you understand a how the brain develops and how children learn best.

You've learned that Behavior = Communication

But, are you still struggling to build cooperation and tempted to use punitive discipline to try and "change" behavior?

Real change is possible!

♥ Behavioral change happens through relationship. ♥

Disengage from the resistance and a never-ending battle-of-wills and start connecting with your children with your heart, mind and soul!

At birth, an infant is born with billions of neural cells but very few working connections.

Although we are born with all the nerve cells we'll ever need, they are small and largely unconnected to the different parts of the brain.

Good thing though, if they weren't the size of our head would not allow us to travel down the birth canal.

As we grow and experience life, at first through interactions with our family and close relatives and later though our peers and the world, our brain circuits begin to wire up.

Through interaction, our neurons communicate to connect to other cells and make important pathways to various parts of the brain.

If those vital connections are not made, a child can be deprived of access to the higher brain functioning he will need later in life.

90% of brain growth and organization
happens in the first 5 years.

What does brain science have to do with parenting?

Everything
!

ABC's of Conscious Parenting

Next, we'll explore the ABCs of Conscious Parenting to see how attachment and bonding (relationship) and brain and child development influence your child's behavior and how negative experiences can inhibit or aid brain development.

It is through our responses that children learn about the world.

You want your child to be able to regulate and assimilate emotions and experiences which leads to learning and the ability to interact with others and form healthy intimate relationships.

Without regulation, learning cannot happen
and regulation cannot happen
without attachment.

Many of the behaviors we expect children to learn and remember are often quite inappropriate for their development.

Even older children, who seem to be able to "know right from wrong," do not always have the resources, experience or cognitive function to make the best choices.

This is why WE are here.

This is not to imply that children should be micro-managed and have every last decision made for them.

What kids need most - beyond rules and discipline and lectures about how much more we know than they - is to know that we are a safe place to turn to.

They need a supportive, caring adult to maintain a solid foundation as they explore the world, try out new strategies for living and practice developing skills.

Humans are social beings

We laugh, we talk, we play games, we eat together and we hug and touch. We are biologically designed to be in relationship with one another.

Without a relationship with at least one other person - we fail to thrive.

Babies especially, with few connections and immature regulatory systems, depend on a loving adult to provide soothing attention, so that their brains can grow to develop a basic sense of trust in the world which is a necessary component to healthy development.

Language and culture may separate us from the other primates - but what we share is a fundamental need to be in close proximity to our caregivers in the first few years of life.

Attachment and Bonding

Attachment Theory

Attachment is a term coined by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist

and child development pioneer.

While it represents a theory about the relationships between humans, it has veered its way into the parenting jargon and come to be known more as a style of parenting, rather than a scientific theory.

It also has many mistakenly believing that they must subscribe to a list of specific nurturing activities that are required to form the parent-child bond.

These activities are rooted in our earliest ancestors and present in most other mammal behaviors but it is your response, attention and love that matter most - not whether you slung your kid around on your back while gardening and tandem-nursing your twins.

While I would never criticize the benefits of extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping or babywearing etc. - these are not strict, unerring mandates to creating attachment or building strong healthy bonds. Protection, connection and consistency are!

♥Attachment is the bond
that is formed between
parent and child.♥

It is the primary foundation for a relationship that will see many transitions as both you and your child grow and adapt along this most intimate journey.

Children need to be connected
to a loving adult.

Without this connection, there is panic,
fear and little access to love-centered behaviors.

Develop a Secure Attachment

A secure attachment is a powerful safeguard for children who are affected by other outside stressors over which they have no control, such as divorce, relocation, limited family time etc...

Attachment is one of the first neural networks that you set up in your child's brain.

One of the benefits of this secure relationship is that children develop an efficient stress response system when they become upset or frightened.

Therefore, they can develop resiliency and meet challenges without sustaining the damaging effects of elevated levels of cortisol, which increases reactivity over time.

We'll learn more about the effects of stress and trauma in just a minute.

But my child KNOWS I love him. Punishing him doesn't change that!

I profoundly believe that there are healthier, more effective alternatives to punishment and punitive discipline.

There are effective alternatives which ask a child to develop his self- awareness, impulse control and consideration of others from an internal drive to be compassionate and not because he is focused on a system of external controls which manage him.

If you want to know more about the effects of punitive consequences, check out my eight-lesson audio series.

For now, put your focus on what you want your child to learn and connect it to what you do and say, logically and emotionally.

Fear-based parenting disconnects us.

If your child fears you, he will not trust you, even if he still loves you.

Attachment happens whether or not the optimal conditions for bonding are present.

If a child experiences inconsistent, insensitive, dismissing, or non-responsive caregiving then the child still bonds, but an insecure attachment can form.

This can have devastating effects on the developing brain.

Traditional parenting has parents engaging the stress response way too often!

An angry child being forced to sit on a naughty mat or ignored by his secure base is not learning anything!

His survival instincts are triggered and all systems shut down until state of calm can be restored through love centered behaviors such as empathy and compassion.

What will develop
a secure attachment?

Non-judgment. Teach socialization and safety through problem solving and re-direction not through evaluation, shame or guilt.

Appropriate and timely responses (not reactions) to behavioral cues (infants cry and kids tantrum, argue, hit, scream, debate and some slam doors or break things)

Opportunities to bond, play and regulate emotions together. Be present, attuned and do not abandon a child who is feeling overwhelmed to "tough it out" alone.

A safe, secure base to give the experience of being comforted and cared for but with the freedom to use developing skills to explore the world alone.

A shield from toxic stress (fighting, yelling, hostility, criticism, judgment).

Basic Brain Development

The beauty of the human brain is that while it is a wildly complex organism - it is also incredibly malleable and can change or heal at any time!!

How does this change happen?

Through relationship!

This is great news for everyone! It takes a bit of pressure off attaining the impossible ideal of the perfect parent and allows us to focus on connection.

In the first 3-5 years, there is a dramatic growth spurt, as approximately 90-95% of cells organize and form pathways to more sophisticated brain functions BUT not all of these connections are permanent nor made spontaneously.

What determines which cells form and become permanent and which are pruned away?

2 things drive brain development.

GENETICS - organic, happens naturally, at about the same time and without external influences.

EXPERIENCE - requires outside stimulus to connect cells and develop.

The brain is a relational organ.

Its development and function is dependent on a connection to a caring, supportive caregiver. You determine which connections are made and the ones that are used over and over are the ones that are strengthened.

What does this mean for you as a parent?

That the quality and quantity
of your interaction with your child
helps GROW his brain.

If a child's needs are met with empathy, guidance and love and nurtured by a close connection then his brain oozes with love hormones which help his brain regulate and produce optimal learning conditions.

Positive "feedback loops" are created, encoding memories that will be unconsciously accessed - in future, similar situations - to inform behavior.

Through observing the actions and experiencing the responses
of a parent or caregiver, a child assimilates information
into his own repertoire and will gradually learn
to model what he has witnessed and experienced.

The Three Tiered Brain

The brain develops from back to front and from the inside out.

The most primal level resides at the bottom and deals with survival. This is often called the reptilian brain because, in evolutionary terms, it reaches the level of reptile development.

The second tier is the mid-brain and deals with emotion and memory. It contains the amygdala and the hippocampus and is often referred to as the "seat of learning."

The uppermost tier is the higher brain and is involved in decision making. It houses language, the sense of self and the skills required to think, predict, plan and empathize.

Survival Center - (Lower brain - neocortex) This area is fully developed at birth and handles basic instincts and functions to sustain life and movement. This area regulates breathing, digestion, heart rate, sleep, hunger, body temperature etc. and is responsible for the fight, flight or freeze response.

Infants operate from the survival center and are unable to regulate their own systems

rely on a connected caregiver

coping abilities

Babies can be set off by light, touch, relocation, a wet diaper, noise, being alone or simply by being put down. When a young child's alarm systems go off, he depends on you to soothe him.

Emotional Center - (Mid brain) The developmental focus is ages 0-4. This area processes memory, emotions, the response to stress and is responsible for nurturing, caring, separation anxiety, fear, rage, social bonding and hormone control.

Toddlers and preschoolers are operating from primarily from the limbic system or the emotional brain

Self-expression, communication of needs and reactions to the world are expressed in the form of feelings (sometimes gigantic ones). And it is all flowing from the mid-brain.

Executive Center - (Higher brain - frontal lobes) The is the last area to be established and development continues through the mid-20s. There are developmental spurts at approximately ages 5-6; 11-12; and around 15.

decision making center

rational thought, problem-solving, planning, attention, creativity, self-awareness

understanding

interpreting emotion

Children, at different stages, have varying levels of access to the executive functions of the brain. Without the time to amass an array of emotional and physical experiences, their brains cannot always successfully predict, plan or react properly hence they may fail to act responsibly.

There is a misguided notion that children should be more independent, faster, earlier and better to achieve success.

It is an unrealistic goal that places tremendous pressure on each generation to achieve the impossible - more than 25 years of brain development and experience in only a few short years.

Some parents may look forward to age 18 as if that is the magic age of adulthood, but the human brain has a good five years to go until they can be considered fully functional.

Stress & Trauma

I've talked a lot about stress, regulation and dysregulation. So, let's clarify and define some key terms:

Regulation: the ability to maintain a window of tolerance under stressful circumstances. Calm, focused, relaxed.

Dysregulation: the state of fear or stress as experienced outside one's level of comfort or window of tolerance. Blood pressure & heart rate increase, agitation, poor impulse control.

Stress: the bodily response to threat; the physiological change in the body when there is any demand for change.

Trauma: prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable stressful events that create substantial damage to the development of the brain.

Fear-based parenting through the use of demands for obedience, threats, yelling, criticism and isolation can cause the amygdala, the fear receptor in the brain responsible for sensing threats, to release large amounts of cortisol (stress hormone) into the body.

If this occurs repeatedly - it creates the experience of trauma.

The stress response is an important survival mechanism.

It moves us to action and gets our adrenaline pumping but we are not meant to live in a state of chronic, low-grade stress.

Parental fear, unpredictable behaviors, outside stress, inappropriate expectations or inconsistent responses can cause anxiety and the child to prepare with more acute stress responses.

Acute Stress Protects
Chronic Stress Destroys

Stress can be harmful or beneficial, depending on how often it occurs and how long it lasts.

"Toughen up!" becomes a dangerous lesson in light of what we now know about what children need to bond, learn and develop their abilities.

Asking children to rely on their inefficient and immature stress response systems can ask for more behavior problems.

In the absence of supportive relationships or conscious parenting children can become physically ill, easily agitated, aggressive or depressed and/or have trouble regulating.

When stress becomes chronic, it becomes toxic and it damages the areas of the brain which affect learning and memory.

Children cannot learn, think
or remember in a state of stress.

Stress is a normal part of life and learning to adjust to it is an essential feature of healthy development but children have immature regulatory systems and even older children and teens are still developing these skills and need your relationship to bring them back to center.

Self-regulation and mindfulness is a life-long process.

Gradually your child will learn to regulate, through your consistent responses to his behavioral cues that build positive memories which will enable him to think about his emotions, feel them and then find ways to process disappointment, change and calm his fears.

The realization that the stress experienced by you or other caregivers can affect your child's developing brain may be startling news to some.

Consider the consequences
of dominant, punitive parenting
on our most precious treasures.

Appropriate Expectations

We spoke of paradigms in the last lesson and how our filters are established. Babies, based on the responses they receive from their caregivers, form internalized representations of others and of their own selves.

As your child grows, his filter or paradigm blueprint, will organize his systems of thought, memory, beliefs, emotions, expectations and inform his brain on how to react in various situations.

Child development unfolds uniquely for each child.

Having developmentally appropriate expectations will help you feel less frustration and take your child's behavior less personally.

Self-regulation and socially acceptable behaviors take time to develop.

Despite giving the appearance of a rather collected and resourceful ten-year-old, your child is not always capable of relying on rational thought or considering outcomes when faced with an unstable sitution, an inexperienced emotional brain and/or an immature regulatory system.

Trusting secure relationships support cognitive, emotional and social development.

Learning is inherently
SOCIAL and EMOTIONAL

Learning requires

interaction and relationship

calm focus

repetition

ALL learning and brain development that is experience dependent requires the repetition of repeated experiences. Children learn best and remember most when learning is accompanied by social interaction.

Learning under boring or stressful conditions is not effective; likewise, learning while in a state of fear or dysregulation is impossible.

Neurons that fire together - wire together.

Children, at every stage, alternate between needing to be autonomous and needing your unconditional love and support.

During these phases, they need to know that you will not abandon them to spark their "independence" but remain close and connected to support them through troubling transitions.

In order for your child to mature, his brain needs to leave one state of organization and move to a new state of disorganization where there is a regression period and restructuring before the final upgrade.

Think of it like a house.

You are moving to a new, bigger home with more features. The move requires you to be in a state of disorganization in order to complete the move successfully.

In between living at your old house and moving into your new house, you pack up all of your things and thus have less functionality and access than you did when your things were all in their proper place.

Until you move, regroup and reorganize, you have less ability to process and think clearly about new situations and you probably need additional support to help you with the transition.

Your child is no different.

These states of disorganization happen often until about age 6 or 7 and then every few years after that.

During these times, kids need more attention and support. They may make poor decisions, act emotionally or in socially inappropriate ways.

Children fluctuate as they integrate and develop new skills and abilities to master their world.

Your patience and acceptance of your child's need to regress and alternately show his independence is crucial to his successful reorganization.

Child Development
Ages & Stages

Ages: 0-8
Ages: 6-12
Ages: 12-15
Ages: Late Teens
Child Development Guide
Child & Family Web Guide

The following links are resources that list more complete information about the ages and stages of child's development.

Use this as an approximate guide to your child's physical, motor and social-emotional development.

Until next time...

Homework

1. Read and educate yourself about your child's stage of development, temperament and personality traits.
2. Release your hidden fears that control your subconscious behavior through mindful practices and stress management.
3. Re-evaluate limits and rules for age-appropriateness.
4. Eliminate as many outside stressors and toxic elements as you can from your home environment. Create safety.

Ready to take the next step?

4 Keys to Shifting Negative BehaviorKey Four RE-WIRE YOUR BRAIN