By Courteney Hocking
DEAR Barack, We're so glad that you're finally on your way. No, of course we don't mind about the delay. We did have to cancel the BBQ we'd arranged, but we've got some other things happening instead. Jessica Watson is back. She recently didn't break the record for being the youngest person ever to sail solo around the world. Isn't that remarkable? And the footy's on. You'll love the footy. It's an incredible sport. Just don't pay any attention to the footy players when they're not on the field, because that's a whole different story.
I hope you don't mind me calling you Barack. We like to call most of our politicians by their first names. It's a sign of affection. Or at least, familiarity. Or at the very least, a sign of our awareness that having a leader named Kevin is kind of ridiculous, but we're working with it anyway. Since you haven't visited us here before, I thought I might give you a quick rundown on the big names and issues in Australian politics. Obviously you've been pretty busy trying to convince your fellow Americans that taxpayer-funded healthcare is a good idea (and with you guys having the highest rate of preventable deaths in the world, I'd say it should have been an easier sell than it was), as well as managing that big old oil spill, so we thought you might appreciate a bit of a precis before you meet the gang.
We'll start with the big cheese. Kevin Rudd is our current Prime Minister and leader of the Labor Party. But you know that. Kevin says you guys know each other ''pretty well''. Do you? Is he just showing off? Not that he's a big show-off or anything, it's just that you seem cool and impressive and Kevin … well, Kevin can be a bit of a dag (that's like a dork). Sometimes Kevin uses Aussie slang phrases like ''fair shake of the sauce bottle'' or ''don't come the raw prawn with me'' or ''the rough end of the pineapple''. In case you're wondering, all these phrases mean the same thing: Kevin's trying too hard and we're all feeling a bit embarrassed for him.
Kevin's deputy PM is Julia Gillard (Jules). Jules is pretty popular. In fact, at the moment, Jules is more popular than Kevin. That's partially because Jules is pretty smart and ballsy and seems much more at ease with herself than Captain Idiom up there. But mostly because Kevin has been PM for almost a full term now and voters are concerned that he promises a lot, but doesn't deliver, especially on issues like climate change. In your country, you might say he's ''all hat and no cattle''. Here we'd say he's ''all mouth and no trousers''.
Speaking of no trousers, the leader of our opposition party (the Liberal Party) is Tony Abbott. To be honest, you'll be lucky to see him fully dressed. Tony likes to be seen in his swimming trunks (or, as we call them, ''budgie smugglers''), which is not to say that we don't take pant-based wildlife trafficking very seriously here in Australia. Like an Australian John McCain, if you can imagine swapping being a POW in Vietnam for running triathlons, Tony likes to think of himself as an action man. He runs! He swims! He shoots off at the mouth! Tony tends to get himself into trouble by speaking before he thinks. Like recently, when he told a reporter that he doesn't always tell ''the honest truth''. Or when he suggested that the most precious gift a woman can give is her virginity. Full on, right? I bet Michelle would have a bit to say about that.
Like your compatriots in Arizona, some Australians get pretty het up about immigration. With a coastline about 11 times the size of your border with Mexico, that's a lot of border to feel insecure about. When dealing with asylum seekers, Kevin and Tony have basically the same policy. That policy is to look around at other countries in the Pacific and say ''dibs not us''. Tony has also vowed that if elected he will ''turn back the boats''. We imagine it may be just through sheer force of personality.
We are having an election later this year, so it's likely you'll get to see lots of native Australian politicians on your visit. If you're bailed up by an older man who rants madly at you, that's probably Wilson Tuckey. It's a good idea to pretend that he's a crazy old uncle who doesn't speak English. It's usually more fun (or at least, less offensive) that way. And don't mind Barnaby. He's absolutely loopy but he's really a nice enough bloke. Just don't let him count anything for you, because maths isn't really his strong point. In fact, it's kind of hard to say what Barnaby's strong point is. Anyway, we're really glad you're coming. We hope you have a great time here in Australia. Just be sure to keep an eye on your passport. You never know what people get up to with those things around here.
Yours etc,
Courteney Hocking, writer and comedian, Melbourne